Friday, February 26, 2010

Kagato's Return (Audiobook)

Tales of Adam Part 3: Kagato's Return by Adam Richmond
Fandoms: Tenchi Muyo, Pokemon, Guyver, Samurai Pizza Cats, Castlevania, Street Fighter, Hokuto no Ken

My throat is killing me after reading this.
Part three begins right after part two, with Adam and Ryoko returning from their date to find an army of Kagatos (or "Kagato's", as he puts it). Adam then spends the next several chapters fighting more Kagato clones, using his Mary Sue powers, sexing up Ryoko, screaming at Washu about his TWAGIC PAST, and then writing fanfics.
Yeah, I did a lot of shouting in this one.
Also, this is the longest recording I've done so far at 52 minutes and 12 seconds. That's right, you get to listen to me read Mary Sue fanfiction for nearly an hour. How fun!

Read it here.
Download/Stream here.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Return of Adam (audiobook!)

Tales of Adam Part 2: The Return of Adam by Adam Richmond
Fandoms: Tenchi Muyo, X-Men, Darkstalkers, Pokemon, Castlevania

Oh god, not this thing again. Yes, that's right, it's another dose of Mary Sue Supreme, Adam Asskicker.
In this installment, he cures Hiwa's incurable disease, kills a group of space terrorists, faces of with his FABULOUS! arch-enemy Kagato, uses his Mary Sue Pikachu in battle, mourns his dead wife, falls in love with Ryoko, kills Dracula in a flashback, and visits the Pokemon universe for a while. There's also a big-lipped alligator moment when Cupid barges in on Adam and Ryoko's date. Yeah.

Read it here.
Stream/download it here.

Also, all you fellow ladies need to watch Ristorante Paradiso.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Sarah by Kaylarules
Fandom: Twilight (but was put in the Salem's Lot section for some stupid reason)
Author's Summary (just to let you know what you're in for):
this is not about saliem lot but anouthr stroy that is sad

A badly written fanfic with bad grammar. Since it's short, I'll post the whole thing here. No, I didn't alter any of this text.

Hi k. This is the story I was telling you about. I'll have to send it in
pieces but its ONE story. It’s called "Being Jacob Black" A summary of
it (because all the stories have summaries) would be- ATTENTOIN ALL JACOB
HATERS AND MEMBERS OF TEAM JACOB. For those of you that hate the teen shape
shifter read this and maybe get a new opinion. For team Jacob members it has
Jacob in it. - Of summary. Put this author’s note at the top separate from the
sorry. A/N- This is written as you being Jacob Black and it goes into his
thoughts during twilight and new moon. It's a one shot and if people like it
I'll make one for eclipse. Have fun being Jake. Story starts now...

So you're a happy kid. You have some nice friends; your dad is pretty cool,
even if he is a little superstitious. You do pretty well at school-you don’t
have to worth to hard. You’ve got a lot of freedom. You love all things
mechanical. At this point life is pretty good.
One day you hear a bunch of kids from forks are at first beach having a
party or something and you and a bunch of other guys decide to crash it. You’re
hanging out by the bon-fire when this girl comes out of the woods that you
recognize as the daughter of your dads best friend. you think she's really
pretty in that girl-next door kind of way, but its more then that, once you
start talking to her your instantly on the same page as her. Kindred spirits.
Bella walks away from all her school friends and is interested in everything
you say. You tell her about the Quilted legends because that seems to impress
her. Who cares about some fake treaty. You know you're infatuated but you also
know she’s out of you league. She’s a junior and your a freshmen. Dream on. You
tell yourself this but you can't help thinking about her. Maybe someday, you
tell yourself
Hey k hers the next installment, sorry my last one was so short, but am sick
and have been sleeping on and off. Story starts now...
Of course now your interested in everything your dad has to say about
Charlie. You keep pushing your dad to make amends with Charlie over the whole
Cullen thing. You think two grown men fighting over whether or not the
neighbors are vampires is the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard. In your
head Billy is in the wrong. You urge him to apologize and when the TV.
HAPPENS to break just before a big basketball game, he does. When he heads up
for the game, you tag along, someone has to drive.(you know your not fooling
anyone, Billy totally sees through you). You can't wait for another chance to
see Bella.
When you get there, you see Bella with a guy in a great car.( the car is
the first thing you notice. Its had tons of work done- nothing stock. Your
impressed). You're secure enough in your masculinity to admit the guys really
good looking. The kind all the girls have fantasies about. Perceptive as you
are you can see sparks between them. You sigh and feel slightly depressed.
Still you knew that you never really had a chance. That a girl like her would
get a guy real fast, a better guy then you. But high school relationships blow
over fast, so you shrug it off and allow yourself a small bit of hope. You
wonder who the guy is and why your dad is acting so strange.
You get a chance to talk to Bella, and its nice again. It's really
comfortable around her. You know you two would be great together if only given
the chance. You ask about the other guy, and it turns out he's a Cullen, so
then you get Billy’s reaction. You have a pleasant night with Bella but she
seems pretty distracted and she's wearing some new perfume that you don’t like
at all. It has a sickly sweet smell that burns your nose. You don’t say
anything in case it offends her.
When you get home, your dad starts freaking out. He calls all his other
superstitious cronies. From eavesdropping in your room you can tell third
telling him that it's none of their business. You agree but Billy doesn't ask
your option on the matter. Your dad thinks this guy is literally some kind of
monster- its so embarrassing. The worst thing the guys probably ever done is be
a spoiled rich kid who gets everything he wants and Bella's the kind of girl
who could cure him of that.

I have no idea what I just read.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Tales of Adam part 1: The Meeting of a New Friend (Audiobook!)

Tales of Adam: The Meeting of a New Friend by Adam Richmond
Fandoms (so far): Tenchi Muyo, Guyver, Street Fighter, Armitage III, and some Fist of the North Star

Good. Fucking. God.
What the fuck did I just read?

Okay, I guess to summarize, this is part one of a fanfic saga called "Tales of Adam". Here, we meet Adam Asskicker (aka Marty Stu Supreme), a half-vampire jerkass with tons of weapons, insane martial arts skills, his own Guyver unit, and lots of Tenchi Muyo fanfics.

Yes, that's right, he's can travel through anime and video games.

So, basically, he arrives in the Tenchi Muyo universe, becomes the heartthrob of every girl in the series, fights giant monsters, and then leaves for the Street Fighter and Armitage universes.
This is Christian Humber Reloaded Lite. This is truly horrible and I'm a little afraid of what the following parts contain.

Read it here.
Download/Stream my reading here.

May god have mercy on your soul.

Celebrity Orgy (Audiobook!)

Celebrity Orgy by Sarah Jamsion
Fandom: Real Person Fic

Hoo boy, this fic is a doozy.
Basically, it's about a tabloid reporter who finds out Britney and Christina are lesbians, has sex with them, has them start an orgy, has sex with more celebrities, falls in love with Jessica Alba, and in the end, almost everyone gets arrested for prostitution. Oh, and it was written in 2001, so there's a ton of dated references. Not to mention it has not one, but two cases of "this celebrity is really a virgin, you guyz!"

Read it here.
Download/Stream the reading here.

Have fun!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

An Unusual Recruit

An Unusual Recruit by Anonymous
Fandom: Team Fortress 2

I don't have much experience with TF2 (although it looks pretty fun), but hoo boy, I'm not surprised it has Mary Sue fics. Also, thanks to my friend Sarah for pointing this one out to me!

Our fic begins with a little author's note. Not too unusual...oh, hold on a sec. What's this?

Not Beta'd since my usual beta reader is refusing to do anything at the moment for reasons that will not be divulged to the general public.

...This is going to be gold.

So, the actual story begins with our heroine, Scoota, reminiscing about how she managed to get herself into the war despite being female.

This is not what Scoota was expecting when she signed up for this war. She had trundled to the enrolment office with a grin on her face; the prospect of joining something where she could actually be useful filled her with a grand tingle of joy. Hair crammed beneath a baseball cap she spoke in a well rehearsed voice of an adolescent boy, her imitation obviously up to scratch. Oddly enough she didn’t have a physical, but this was a lucky break for Scoota, her chest was bound and would be a dead giveaway if her baggy shirt was removed. The man at the enrolment desk nodded to her and pointed to a line for her to sign.

Hold on a sec, let me whip out the Mary Sue litmus test. I'll check stuff off as I go.

The next thing she knew, she was whisked off in the back of a van, somewhat strange. Surely others had enlisted to fight? Shrugging it off Scoota curled up in a corner with her bag. She had been given a blue shirt and a map of a building, obviously her to-be base. She sighed to herself and wondered what role she would play in the team she would join. Perhaps she would assist one of the team members, like a second medic. That seemed reasonable, she did have first aid training.

Then again, she had to do a series of athletic tests before being given the all clear to even go to the enrolment office to sign the papers. Maybe she would be used as a runner alongside the scout, doing death defying leaps to secure intelligence. Perchance the engineer would need an assistant, she was quite smart and learnt things quickly, so maybe she could help design and build, even carting metal around would be fine if she could do something to help him. These prospective jobs swam inside her head, making her slightly giddy.

Mmmm! What hunky TF2 character will she have sex with today?

The light still stung her eyes, even with her hand shading them. A dark figure clambered into the back of the van as her eyes slowly adjusted. The figure was male, she knew that much, not as if there were any females on the teams to begin with. He bent down slowly as Scoota could finally clearly see who her transporter was. He had dark brown hair stashed underneath a broad brimmed hat, one side folded up like a traditional Australian digger. His eyes were hidden behind murky aviator shades, but it was clear by his expression he was judging her.

The class of the man suddenly jumped into Stoota’s head, she almost slapped herself for not realising sooner. The Sniper. The Sniper was grinning at her, not a grin of approval or welcome, one that sent a shiver down her spine. It wasn’t malicious, but it was the same troublemaking grin that the boys at her old school would shoot her when she first transferred. Fresh Meat.


Nevertheless, the Sniper offered his hand to help her up, which she gladly accepted. Her legs were stiff after the long period of sitting down, she had to shake them to return normal blood flow causing her teammate to raise an eyebrow. He made his way to the back of the van, hopping to the ground and motioning for her to follow. Scoota hurried to get outside the musty confines of the vehicle, jumping off the back to the dusty ground below. She took a deep breath and looked at the expanse before her.

Oh, of course.

The Sniper watched as she looked around in awe. A deep chuckle broke Scoota out of her revere. She whipped her head around to face the Sniper, her face contorted into one of annoyance. He simple looked down and grinned. “Never seen a base before kid?” He said casually, his accent flowing over the words, reminding Scoota of her old home. She nodded slowly, still taking in the fact she was actually here. “Every mans dream is to fight, if you believe the Soldier, that is” The sniper spoke again, his words holding something that Scoota couldn’t pinpoint. “You must be glad to be here ‘ey boy”.

Scoota nodded enthusiastically, adopting her lower voice to speak. “Yeah, I’ve been wanting to sign up for a long time, can’t believe I got to enlist” She answered, grinning from ear to ear. The Sniper chuckled again before leading her to the main building and through the cool whitewashed halls, some more degraded than others, until they reached a huge dining room. Around the long wooden table sat the rest of the BLU team, all of them eyeing up the new recruit.

Scoota reminded herself not to get nervous under their gaze, as she scanned the people in the room. The Medic scrutinized her face, his eyes moving up and down her body as if to see what condition she was in. The Heavy smiled and said something in a low voice about “babies”. The Engineer raised an eyebrow and laughed to himself but still smiled warmly at her. Pyro just looked towards her; it’s not as if she could tell what he was looking at under that mask. Demoman took a swig out of his bottle and laughed shaking his head at her. Soldier was frowning, even though she could not see his eyes, he could tell he was judging her. The Scout didn’t even bother to look at her straight on, just glancing up for a bit before looking at the floor once more, muttering under his breath.

Do I smell a gang rape ahead? Because I'm sure I do.*

Scoota looked to her side only to find that Sniper had vanished, probably back to whatever vantage point he shot from. This left her alone, standing in front of a group of people that were sizing her up. She looked around the room once more, doing a quick head count. Seven? But there were nine members on a team, and only sniper had left. Only now did she realise there was a presence behind her, one she couldn’t see but was there all the same. She moved to hit the man behind her, only to find her hands caught above her head.

The Spy uncloaked himself, and Scoota found herself too close for comfort to him. Spy smiled slightly before puffing some smoke in her face. “If I were an enemy spy, you would be dead by now” he said coolly, but oddly still smiling, releasing her arms and stalking off down the hall. Scoota was left blushing as a huge uproar of laughter erupted behind her. “Spy give ze leetle baby big scare!” Heavy roared, banging his huge fist on the table, still laughing. “yo look at his face” Scout jeered “what’s up chucklenuts? Did our spy make ya piss yaself?”

Oh, I guess it was just the smell of horrible fanfiction.

Scoota bolted out the room, not bothering with her job assignment and briefing. She was mortified and isolation was the only cure. Jogging up the stairs, she extracted the map out of her bag and noted where the dorms were. Moving swiftly, she made her way to the sleeping quarters and fished out the key that was to her room. Inserting the small silver key into the lock, she turned it, the click allowed access to the room and she creaked the door open. The room was barely furnished, with only a bed and a dresser. Guess you didn’t need much during a war, Scoota thought to herself.

She dumped her bag on the dresser and opened the draws. Fantastic, who in their right mind would give her pink sleeping gear? She figured it was another joke the team had pulled one her. The other draws contained more blue shirts and the last draw had a curious black box within it. Taking it out gingerly, she opened the box to find a small revolver and some bullets inside. Extra precaution, she thought, carefully putting the box and its contents back.

Moving over to the door, she quickly locked it and took off her hat and shook out her hair. Even though it was only neck length, her honey blonde hair was already knotted. She quickly slid off her shirt and untied the bandages that kept her womanly features bound. She sighed in relief as the pressure on her chest was lifted. Putting on her blue shirt once more, she closed the drapes over the cracked window and lay on her bed, content to nap until someone needed her.

Is this going to be a TF2 version of Mulan? I bet it is.

She got ready swiftly, and walked to the dining room, her stomach doing back flips. Once she arrived, she could see this would be her worst nightmare. Several bottles of alcohol were crowded around a tiny shot glass. The team were gathered around a single chair, which faced the mass of booze. Medic, Sniper and Spy were not present, but that wouldn’t make it any easier for her. All eyes were on her as she sat before the shot glass, some team members sniggering to each other.

“Choose yer poison laddie” Instructed Demoman as Scoota looked hesitantly towards the bottles. She scanned the labels for any indication of what they were, some were so worn that the names were indistinguishable. She first chose a bottle of vodka that she spotted at the back. The label was in Russian, but it was the only clear liquid and she doubted there would be Gin inside. She poured the liquid into the glass and set the bottle down, looking around as the people around her clambered in for her first shot.

Lifting the glass to her lips she quickly tipped her head back and knocked back her first shot. The liquid burned her tongue and throat, but it was better than any of the stronger stuff. Scout sniggered behind her. “Knew he would choose the girl stuff first” he said poignantly before reaching past her to pick up a bottle of Whiskey. He poured some of the liquid into the glass and set the bottle to the side. “Try sum of that” he said simply. Scoota looked at the glass nervously. She had only ever drunk vodka and light rum, and this would surely make her chuck up later.

She picked up the glass but did not drink, musing about the choice she was about to make. Unfortunately her train of thought was crashed by a loud and gravely voice. “Cowards do not belong on the battlefield!” shouted Soldier “Have you no balls at all son?”. Scoota laughed in her mind at the statement, before knocking back the second shot. The liquid tasted foul and almost threatened to come back up, but she kept it down, pure determination her only drive at the present moment.


Soon lithe arms picked her up and made her stand. Scout looked down at her but said nothing as he slung her arm around his neck and held her waist to keep his charge upright. “didn’ know someone so puny could drink that much” he mumbled before hoisting Scoota up the stairs to her room. Scoota could barely keep her eyes open as Scout fished in her pockets for the key to her room. He opened the door and dumped her on the bed. She was too drunk to notice or care that Scout didn’t leave the room straight away, but hovered over her, examining her body.

Scoota blinked a few times and wondered why he was staring at her like that; she was supposed to be a guy after all. Maybe Scout was like, gay or something, she thought before blinking a few more times, trying to get a tiny bit of lucidity in her muddled mind. She looked up as he moved to take off her hat, too tired to stop him. When Scout found the mop of hair beneath, she could see his eyes light up. Did he think she was a gay guy because she had longer hair? That was kind of weird.

Scouts hands roamed her body, hooking under her shirt and pulling it up. Scoota tried to contest, only to be shushed by a fierce kiss to the lips. As soon as the kiss was broken, Scout laughed airily “ya think that drinkin’ was ya only initiation?” he asked, not expecting an answer. He lifted Scoota’s shirt up and shook it off her limbs, looking down at the bandages wrapped tightly around her breasts. “What the hell?” he asked quietly before tugging at a bandage and unwrapping the bonds, exposing Scoota’s breasts to the cool air.

Okay, looks like she gets to have sex with Scout.

Scoota could hear Scout stuck for words. He was gibbering away with half formed words before finally producing a coherent sentence. “Your a CHICK?” he exclaimed loudly, before being shut up by a hand over his mouth.

What about my chick!? >: (

Scoota had sobered up slightly and was shushing the damn Scout. “Yes. I am a girl” She said with confidence, clearly more sober “And you better not blab this to anyone”. Swatting her hand away, a grin slowly slid its way onto the scouts face “I wont tell nobody dollface, as long as you do somethin’ for me”. Scoota was about to ask exactly what he wanted, when she was again met with a kiss.

Scout was on top of her before Scoota could say anything. His hands were wandering over her torso, stopping every so often to massage and pitch at her breasts. Scoota moaned deeply as Scout suckled at her neck, his hands caressing every inch of her bare skin, the sensation more intoxicating the alcohol in her system. Soon Scouts mouth moved lower as he undid the clasp of her pants and pulled them down, along with the underpants underneath. One of his hands began to tease the moist nest between Scoota’s legs, drawing a long moan from her mouth.

Scoota could tell he hadn’t much experience dealing with a woman, but he certainly made up for it with enthusiasm. Scouts mouth was over one of her breasts sucking and nipping as he inserted a finger into her, moving it in and out haphazardly. Scoota howled in pleasure, clutching at the sheets underneath her. However, soon the pleasure ceased as Scout removed his hand and straightened up, unbuckling his own pants. “My turn toots” he whispered

He pulled down his pants and underwear, exposing his manhood. Precum glistened in the low light of the room as Scout stroked himself a few times before lifting up Scoota’s legs. He positioned himself at her entrance and gradually pushed himself in, the feeling of being filled causing Scoota to pant and moan. Soon he began thrusting, grunting softly and moving at a steady pace. Scoota clawed at Scouts back, moaning and breathlessly swearing. The slap of skin against skin resonated in the room, both parties’ moans becoming far more frequent.

Looking up, Scoota saw that Scout was concentrating on the task at hand, his face as contorted in determination and pleasure, his mouth open to breathe easier. She watched his muscles move as he thrusted, the world seeming to slow down as they made love. Scout was so filled with reckless abandon; Scoota guessed that was what made him tick, what possessed him to take such a dangerous job.

Scoota cried out as she reached her climax, her body clenching in blissful spasm. Scout came soon after, collapsing on top of Scoota, breathing heavily. Carefully, he extracted himself from her body and held her close. She laughed, out of breath and spent. “So you won’t tell anyone?” Scoota asked. “Not a peep” Scout replied, kissing her on the lips quickly before cleaning himself up and dressing. Scoota smiled warmly as Scout left her room, so what if someone figured out who she really was, she didn’t regret it at all.

And that's where it ends. Honestly, I was expecting a gang bang with Scout, Medic, Heavy, and maybe Spy. But, yeah.

Oh, and the Mary Sue test? She got a 15. But then, it's pretty short.

*gang rapes smell like gyros.