Friday, January 29, 2010

Jurassic Prick (Audio!)

Jurassic Prick by Mitchell St. John
Fandom: Jurassic Park

Oh, god, I hard a hard time reading this one.
This is probably one of the most ridiculous "erotic" fanfics I've come across. Dr. Grant gets an erection from everything, Lexie and Timmy are eager to have sex with him, and Dr. Grant has no hangups about having oral sex with two children.
Also, the story is split into two parts, but I had to cut off my reading quickly because, well, it would be awkward for my family to hear me reading a story about two kids having sex with a grown man. So, feel free to read part 2 at your own leisure (it's not very long).

Download/Listen on 4shared.
Read it here.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Full House fanfiction bonanza!

Happy new year, everyone! To celebrate the start of 2010, it's time for a marathon of horrible Full House fanfiction!

The Letter by ThePotterWay

So, in the final episode of Full House, Michelle goes horseback riding, falls off her horse, hits her head, and gets amnesia. Well, in this fanfic, Michelle dies instead. And you have this told to you no less than three times in this goddamn fanfic. And it's a fucking one-shot. Oh, and the author says that she doesn't care if people say it sucks. "Look how much I don't care, guys!"
Update! The author has added a new and even more terrible chapter! Go read!

The Baby Blues by Jacktupgirl

Honestly, I'm not too fond of the whole "OMG So-and-So and Whatshisname get married and have tons of kids!" plot in fanfiction. Probably because the whole childbirth thing sickens me in general. But, anyway, in this...lovely fanfic, practically every character is now married and has kids. Even the goddamn dog. Stephanie gets teen pregnant...with triplets and then she ends up getting hit on by this guy named Hunter and then it ends. Yeah, this fanfic is a complete trainwreck.
Some choice lines:
“We gave you an ultra sound and found out your pregnant with triplets! This is very odd in teenage pregnancy. You’re about 3 and a half months along and you are definitely showing! We figure your due date is about June 15th” exclaimed the doctor she left the room.

Stephanie couldn’t believe it. She clenched her stomach “You did this to me. You made me pregnant with these babies. It was my first time, you know that!”

"Comet, what did you do when you got that golden retriever from down the street preggers?" she asked, feeling silly confiding in a dog.
Update! The author has added more awful chapters!

Tanner Vendetta by GogoYubari69

Now, I like dark comedy as much as the next person, but this fanfic is way too much. Basically, Joey goes insane and starts raping and killing the rest of the characters. Seriously, dude, I don't like Full House either, but I grew out of the Assassin section of Newgrounds after sixth grade. And relying entirely on shock value for humor is pure laziness.
Some choice lines:
All of a sudden, she released a bloodcurdling scream. "JOEY'S RAPPING THE TWINS!"

The only reason they dated was because Steve liked his wang masturbated when he stuck it between her rolls.

Telephone by Nasty Quasimodo [Update: The fic has now been removed. Sadface.]

Stephanie tries to kill herself.
Stephanie becomes a suicidal cutter.
Stephanie has sex with Jesse.
Stephanie jumps out of a window.
Jesse kills himself.
What.

Diasuke The newest Tanner by Lokabo

Someone's trying to do My Immortal for Full House. They're failing miserably.

Boys, Please Don't Go by sunshineday123

Remember the one fanfic I did where Seto Kaiba's son gets kidnapped and then I had to wade through the POVs of these insane pairings? This is like the Full House version of that fanfic, except Nicky and Alex die and everyone angsts about it. Also, how the fuck did they die? You'd think there would be an explanation for dead 4-year-olds.

And so, that concludes my slightly belated New Years blog post. Let's hope I don't have to find another creepy sitcom fanfic for a while. Uggh.