Friday, December 31, 2010

Superman: The American Way Part 2

Superman: The American Way by Pseudonym Incognito Jr.
Fandom: DC Comics

Finally got around to finishing this epic.
More crying. More sex. More death. More crazy.

Read it here.
Download/stream here.

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Nicktoons 9/11 Story Part 2

The Nicktoons 9/11 Story by William Pearson
Fandom: Hey Arnold!

Ugh, I think I'm all September 11th-ed out now.
The plot: Arnold and his friends remember September 11th by doing shitty class projects, talking about how HORRIBLE and TRAGIC 9/11 was, and listen as Gerald sings a very, very awful song about it.

Read it here.
Download/stream here.

Friday, December 24, 2010

The Nicktoons 9/11 Story Part 1

Nicktoons 9/11 Story by William Pearson
Fandoms: Fairly Oddparents/Rocket Power/Invader Zim/As Told by Ginger/Chalk Zone/Rocko's Modern Life/Spongebob Squarepants/The Wild Thornberrys/Jimmy Neutron/Doug/Underdog

Merry Christmas! Here's a non-Christmas story for y'all!

On the first anniversary of 9/11, our hero gets his Nicktoon friends and travels by Amtrak to New York for a remembrance ceremony or something. Look, who cares about that. What's truly important is what kind of cars are included on the trains!

Also, this is part one. Part two will follow next week.

Read it here.
Download/stream here.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Get Out the Kleenex Box

Get Out the Kleenex Box by Chux
Fandom: Digimon Adventure
Pairings: Tai/Sora (one-sided), Joe/Mimi

In this little story, Tai gets all sad and weepy because Sora doesn't love him. Boo hoo.

Read it here.
Download/stream it here.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

It Don't Hurt

It Don't Hurt by Sandi
Fandom: Cardcaptor Sakura
Pairings: Syaoran/Sakura

Apologies for the lack of posts lately! I'm almost done with school, so I'm very busy.
Anyway, this is a lovely fanfic about Sakura Kinomoto being a heroin addict. I think that's all that needs to be said.

Read it here.
Stream/download it here.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Chibi Usa's 7th Birthday

Chibi Usa's 7th Birthday by Robert Tsunai
Fandom: Sailor Moon
Pairings: ChibiUsa/Everyone else

Just one word.

WHY!?

Okay, okay, I'll explain.
Chibi Usa has her 7th birthday party with the Senshi, who then proceed to have lots and lots and lots of sex with her. It's worse than it sounds, if that's even possible.

Read it here.
Listen/Download the reading here.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Batman and Robocop: The Day the Men Found Love

Batman and Robocop: The Day the Men Found Love
Author: ComicsNix
Fandoms: See title
Pairings: See title

Yet another masterpiece by ComicsNix. In this story, Bruce Wayne goes to Detroit to visit his cousin, but finds him murdered instead. And so, Bruce teams up with Robocop to solve the murder. Oh, and they have gay sex. Yay!

Read it here.
Download/Stream the reading here.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Guess Who Has a Facebook Fanpage!

That's right, folks! It's the brand new Official Bad Fanfiction Theater Facebook Fanpage!
No logo as of yet, but one will be made shortly!

Anyway, become a fan and annoy your friends and family to be fans too!

Enjoy!

A Haunting Past

A Haunting Past
Author: Campfire Tales
Fandoms: Super Mario Bros./Pokemon/Sailor Moon/Super Sentai

Damn, this story makes little sense. It starts off as a goofy comedy (not a very good one), then turns into an action-filled fanboy fantasy (much like Tales of Adam), then characters are suddenly never mentioned again and other characters die off. Then we get a confusing ending with a goofy epilogue. What the hell.

Read it here.
Download/stream the reading here.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Roy Orbison in Clingfilm

Roy Orbison in Clingfilm (stories 1-3)
Author: Ulrich Haarb├╝rste
Fandom: Real Person fic

I wouldn't necessarily say that these stories are "bad" in the way that things like Natalie's Perverse Secret are. In fact, the whole thing is completely fascinating. While it could be argued that these stories are satire or jokes in some way, I assure you, they are written in 100% seriousness.

Read all the stories at the official site (there's also a link to buy his novel).
Stream/Download the readings here.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Hit the Floor

Hit the Floor by Joker in the Green Scarf
Fandom: Halloween

Yes! It's October! Time for some terrible horror movie fanfics!
We're starting off with another very OOC Michael Myers and his TWU WUV, another childhood friend character with a shitty life.

Read it here.
Download/stream the reading here.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Superman: The American Way

Superman: The American Way
Author: Pseudonym Incognito Jr.
Fandom: DC Comics

Special thanks to TokaroCraft for sending this fic to me!

In this trollfic, we have Superman fucking Lois Lane to death, then framing Mongul for the murder and disguising himself as Batman in order to kill him out of spite. Truly, this is a classy affair.

In other news, fanfiction.net has been giving me a lot of error messages lately, so it's a pain to attempt to find fanfics there. Hopefully, this situation will clear itself up.

Read this masterpiece here.
Listen/Download the audiobook here.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Oh, man, it has been two months!

Hey everyone!
Sorry for the lack of updates the past few weeks. I've been extremely busy with school. Actually, this will be my last term, so I won't have that excuse anymore, will I? ;)

Anyway, I've found several quality fanfics that I'll post soon and a listener sent me something great, too!
Thanks for all of the comments I've received lately and I'm sorry for taking so long in getting back here!

While you wait, you can check out my Twitter and my Tumblr, Electric Franzieland.
(just a warning, my Twitter is locked to keep out spambots. But, if you just send a follow request, I'll accept it!)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

ComicsNix Double Feature

Oh boy! More craziness to hold you over while I go to Otakon!

The Pain of Jean Gray and Logan (X-Men)
Batman in the Bowels of Hell (Batman)

Download/Stream this masterpiece here!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Insane Fanfiction by Insane People

Not up for reading the giant that is Tales of Adam part 5. So, instead, I read you all some delightful tales of yaoi, gristly death, deviant sexual behavior, and insanity.

The fanfics covered are:

Peter Parker's Last Battle Against Love by ComicsNix (Spider-Man)
The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi by xXxRs.RiKu (Kingdom Hearts)
Yuffie's Chocobo by EvilRaichu (Final Fantasy VII)
King of the Hill Episode 1: Peggy's Revenge by Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadu (King of the Hill)

Download/stream this madness here.

Enjoy!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Going Home

Going Home by Zorina Skye
Fandom: Sailor Moon

Oh man, my throat is killing me.

Anyway, this lovely story screws with the Sailor Moon canon like there's no tomorrow! "Serena" goes to college in California, breaks up with "Darian", meets some male Sailor Senshi, finds out she had a brother in the past, and ends up getting killed by Dues Angst Machina Queen Beryl. Yeah, it's that kind of story.

Read it here.
Download/Stream here.

Next up, Part 1 of Tales of Adam Part 5. I can't wait.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Tales of Adam 4: Revenge of the Zianoids

Tales of Adam Part 4: Revenge of the Zianoids by Adam Richmond
Fandoms: Tenchi Muyo, Ah! My Goddess, Guyver, Dragonball Z, Detonator Orgun, Final Fantasy VIII, Pokemon (mentioned), Sabrina the Teenage Witch

That's right, another rootin-tootin' chapter of Adam Asskicker being a jerk!
In this chapter, we have Adam teaching Sasami how to play card games, me making an ass of myself by proving I have not played FF8, the cast of AMG showing up and lusting after Adam, pedophile aliens, lots of explosions, most of the characters getting beaten up horribly, Adam breaking up with Ryoko because she loves Tenchi more, an insane Piccolo, the return of FABULOUS Kagato, and the introduction of a boring new original character.

Yeah, it sucks. At least we just have one chapter left!

Download/stream it here.
Read it here.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Sorry About the Update Lag!

Man, you'd think being a part-time college student would give you more free time.
But, nope, not the case this time. I've been very busy lately with school, college anime club bullshit, and putting up with family. But, don't think I've abandoned you, dear listeners/readers! I've been using some time to look for more horrible fanfiction to cover!

Here's a small sample of what's coming soon:

The rest of Tales of Adam.
Going Home by Zorina Skye (Sailor Moon)
Mou ii Darou by Samiko Maxwell (Yuu Yuu Hakusho)
The First and the Last by W. Siew Lee (Yuu Yuu Hakusho)
Regret by W. Siew Lee (Yuu Yuu Hakusho)
Saga III by Anna Elizabeth (Digimon)
Dancing is My Life, But You Are My Soul by Hellodarinx (Twilight)
Something by ComicsNix. That guy is a nut.

Also, FTP archives are fanfiction goldmines.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Short badfanfics galore!

I felt like taking a break from Tales of Adam for a while, so I decided to read some short fanfics instead. The lineup is

A Black Day by Oscar
Fandoms: Sailor Moon and Dragonball Z

Basically, Luna fucks Usagi with a dildo while she's sleeping and we find out Oscar is not just a hermaphrodite, he's also a SAIYA-JIN!!!11

Chibi Usa Loses Her Virginity by Hent-Eye
Fandom: Sailor Moon

*sob* This is almost as bad as Jurassic Prick. Basically, Chibi Usa visits Mamoru, who has sex with her despite her being HIS SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

Diana by Oscar
Fandom: Sailor Moon

Yet another fic with an underage character having sex with their fathers. This time, it's Diana and Artemis.

Eevee TF TG by Xana-William
Fandom: Pokemon

Finally! Something without incest or lolicon! But still pretty terrible. A boy named Phil gets turned into a female Eevee and uses a special Eevee toilet. Yes, I'm completely serious.

Hey Gendo! Stop SKULLFUCKING REI YOU BASTARD! by Insane Noodly Guy
Fandom: Evangelion

An obvious troll/parody fic. Actually, I legitimately find it hilarious, since it's making fun of fanfics with ridiculous fetishes. I guess I should make Good Fanfic Theater.

...nah.

and finally

Lucky Star: Sadness and Sorrow by Metaking22
Fandom: Lucky Star

Konata and Minami are shot to death, everyone cries about it. All set to the Halo theme song.

Stream/download these magical pieces of literature:

A Black Day
Chibi Usa Loses Her Virginity
Diana
Eevee TF TG
Hey Gendo!
Sadness and Sorrow

Friday, February 26, 2010

Kagato's Return (Audiobook)

Tales of Adam Part 3: Kagato's Return by Adam Richmond
Fandoms: Tenchi Muyo, Pokemon, Guyver, Samurai Pizza Cats, Castlevania, Street Fighter, Hokuto no Ken

My throat is killing me after reading this.
Part three begins right after part two, with Adam and Ryoko returning from their date to find an army of Kagatos (or "Kagato's", as he puts it). Adam then spends the next several chapters fighting more Kagato clones, using his Mary Sue powers, sexing up Ryoko, screaming at Washu about his TWAGIC PAST, and then writing fanfics.
Yeah, I did a lot of shouting in this one.
Also, this is the longest recording I've done so far at 52 minutes and 12 seconds. That's right, you get to listen to me read Mary Sue fanfiction for nearly an hour. How fun!

Read it here.
Download/Stream here.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Return of Adam (audiobook!)

Tales of Adam Part 2: The Return of Adam by Adam Richmond
Fandoms: Tenchi Muyo, X-Men, Darkstalkers, Pokemon, Castlevania

Oh god, not this thing again. Yes, that's right, it's another dose of Mary Sue Supreme, Adam Asskicker.
In this installment, he cures Hiwa's incurable disease, kills a group of space terrorists, faces of with his FABULOUS! arch-enemy Kagato, uses his Mary Sue Pikachu in battle, mourns his dead wife, falls in love with Ryoko, kills Dracula in a flashback, and visits the Pokemon universe for a while. There's also a big-lipped alligator moment when Cupid barges in on Adam and Ryoko's date. Yeah.

Read it here.
Stream/download it here.

Also, all you fellow ladies need to watch Ristorante Paradiso.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sarah

Sarah by Kaylarules
Fandom: Twilight (but was put in the Salem's Lot section for some stupid reason)
Author's Summary (just to let you know what you're in for):
this is not about saliem lot but anouthr stroy that is sad

A badly written fanfic with bad grammar. Since it's short, I'll post the whole thing here. No, I didn't alter any of this text.

Hi k. This is the story I was telling you about. I'll have to send it in
pieces but its ONE story. It’s called "Being Jacob Black" A summary of
it (because all the stories have summaries) would be- ATTENTOIN ALL JACOB
HATERS AND MEMBERS OF TEAM JACOB. For those of you that hate the teen shape
shifter read this and maybe get a new opinion. For team Jacob members it has
Jacob in it. - Of summary. Put this author’s note at the top separate from the
sorry. A/N- This is written as you being Jacob Black and it goes into his
thoughts during twilight and new moon. It's a one shot and if people like it
I'll make one for eclipse. Have fun being Jake. Story starts now...

So you're a happy kid. You have some nice friends; your dad is pretty cool,
even if he is a little superstitious. You do pretty well at school-you don’t
have to worth to hard. You’ve got a lot of freedom. You love all things
mechanical. At this point life is pretty good.
One day you hear a bunch of kids from forks are at first beach having a
party or something and you and a bunch of other guys decide to crash it. You’re
hanging out by the bon-fire when this girl comes out of the woods that you
recognize as the daughter of your dads best friend. you think she's really
pretty in that girl-next door kind of way, but its more then that, once you
start talking to her your instantly on the same page as her. Kindred spirits.
Bella walks away from all her school friends and is interested in everything
you say. You tell her about the Quilted legends because that seems to impress
her. Who cares about some fake treaty. You know you're infatuated but you also
know she’s out of you league. She’s a junior and your a freshmen. Dream on. You
tell yourself this but you can't help thinking about her. Maybe someday, you
tell yourself
Hey k hers the next installment, sorry my last one was so short, but am sick
and have been sleeping on and off. Story starts now...
Of course now your interested in everything your dad has to say about
Charlie. You keep pushing your dad to make amends with Charlie over the whole
Cullen thing. You think two grown men fighting over whether or not the
neighbors are vampires is the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard. In your
head Billy is in the wrong. You urge him to apologize and when the TV.
HAPPENS to break just before a big basketball game, he does. When he heads up
for the game, you tag along, someone has to drive.(you know your not fooling
anyone, Billy totally sees through you). You can't wait for another chance to
see Bella.
When you get there, you see Bella with a guy in a great car.( the car is
the first thing you notice. Its had tons of work done- nothing stock. Your
impressed). You're secure enough in your masculinity to admit the guys really
good looking. The kind all the girls have fantasies about. Perceptive as you
are you can see sparks between them. You sigh and feel slightly depressed.
Still you knew that you never really had a chance. That a girl like her would
get a guy real fast, a better guy then you. But high school relationships blow
over fast, so you shrug it off and allow yourself a small bit of hope. You
wonder who the guy is and why your dad is acting so strange.
You get a chance to talk to Bella, and its nice again. It's really
comfortable around her. You know you two would be great together if only given
the chance. You ask about the other guy, and it turns out he's a Cullen, so
then you get Billy’s reaction. You have a pleasant night with Bella but she
seems pretty distracted and she's wearing some new perfume that you don’t like
at all. It has a sickly sweet smell that burns your nose. You don’t say
anything in case it offends her.
When you get home, your dad starts freaking out. He calls all his other
superstitious cronies. From eavesdropping in your room you can tell third
telling him that it's none of their business. You agree but Billy doesn't ask
your option on the matter. Your dad thinks this guy is literally some kind of
monster- its so embarrassing. The worst thing the guys probably ever done is be
a spoiled rich kid who gets everything he wants and Bella's the kind of girl
who could cure him of that.

I have no idea what I just read.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Tales of Adam part 1: The Meeting of a New Friend (Audiobook!)

Tales of Adam: The Meeting of a New Friend by Adam Richmond
Fandoms (so far): Tenchi Muyo, Guyver, Street Fighter, Armitage III, and some Fist of the North Star

Good. Fucking. God.
What the fuck did I just read?

Okay, I guess to summarize, this is part one of a fanfic saga called "Tales of Adam". Here, we meet Adam Asskicker (aka Marty Stu Supreme), a half-vampire jerkass with tons of weapons, insane martial arts skills, his own Guyver unit, and lots of Tenchi Muyo fanfics.

Yes, that's right, he's can travel through anime and video games.

So, basically, he arrives in the Tenchi Muyo universe, becomes the heartthrob of every girl in the series, fights giant monsters, and then leaves for the Street Fighter and Armitage universes.
This is Christian Humber Reloaded Lite. This is truly horrible and I'm a little afraid of what the following parts contain.

Read it here.
Download/Stream my reading here.

May god have mercy on your soul.

Celebrity Orgy (Audiobook!)

Celebrity Orgy by Sarah Jamsion
Fandom: Real Person Fic

Hoo boy, this fic is a doozy.
Basically, it's about a tabloid reporter who finds out Britney and Christina are lesbians, has sex with them, has them start an orgy, has sex with more celebrities, falls in love with Jessica Alba, and in the end, almost everyone gets arrested for prostitution. Oh, and it was written in 2001, so there's a ton of dated references. Not to mention it has not one, but two cases of "this celebrity is really a virgin, you guyz!"

Read it here.
Download/Stream the reading here.

Have fun!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

An Unusual Recruit

An Unusual Recruit by Anonymous
Fandom: Team Fortress 2

I don't have much experience with TF2 (although it looks pretty fun), but hoo boy, I'm not surprised it has Mary Sue fics. Also, thanks to my friend Sarah for pointing this one out to me!

Our fic begins with a little author's note. Not too unusual...oh, hold on a sec. What's this?

Not Beta'd since my usual beta reader is refusing to do anything at the moment for reasons that will not be divulged to the general public.


...This is going to be gold.

So, the actual story begins with our heroine, Scoota, reminiscing about how she managed to get herself into the war despite being female.

This is not what Scoota was expecting when she signed up for this war. She had trundled to the enrolment office with a grin on her face; the prospect of joining something where she could actually be useful filled her with a grand tingle of joy. Hair crammed beneath a baseball cap she spoke in a well rehearsed voice of an adolescent boy, her imitation obviously up to scratch. Oddly enough she didn’t have a physical, but this was a lucky break for Scoota, her chest was bound and would be a dead giveaway if her baggy shirt was removed. The man at the enrolment desk nodded to her and pointed to a line for her to sign.


Hold on a sec, let me whip out the Mary Sue litmus test. I'll check stuff off as I go.

The next thing she knew, she was whisked off in the back of a van, somewhat strange. Surely others had enlisted to fight? Shrugging it off Scoota curled up in a corner with her bag. She had been given a blue shirt and a map of a building, obviously her to-be base. She sighed to herself and wondered what role she would play in the team she would join. Perhaps she would assist one of the team members, like a second medic. That seemed reasonable, she did have first aid training.

Then again, she had to do a series of athletic tests before being given the all clear to even go to the enrolment office to sign the papers. Maybe she would be used as a runner alongside the scout, doing death defying leaps to secure intelligence. Perchance the engineer would need an assistant, she was quite smart and learnt things quickly, so maybe she could help design and build, even carting metal around would be fine if she could do something to help him. These prospective jobs swam inside her head, making her slightly giddy.


Mmmm! What hunky TF2 character will she have sex with today?

The light still stung her eyes, even with her hand shading them. A dark figure clambered into the back of the van as her eyes slowly adjusted. The figure was male, she knew that much, not as if there were any females on the teams to begin with. He bent down slowly as Scoota could finally clearly see who her transporter was. He had dark brown hair stashed underneath a broad brimmed hat, one side folded up like a traditional Australian digger. His eyes were hidden behind murky aviator shades, but it was clear by his expression he was judging her.

The class of the man suddenly jumped into Stoota’s head, she almost slapped herself for not realising sooner. The Sniper. The Sniper was grinning at her, not a grin of approval or welcome, one that sent a shiver down her spine. It wasn’t malicious, but it was the same troublemaking grin that the boys at her old school would shoot her when she first transferred. Fresh Meat.


FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!

Nevertheless, the Sniper offered his hand to help her up, which she gladly accepted. Her legs were stiff after the long period of sitting down, she had to shake them to return normal blood flow causing her teammate to raise an eyebrow. He made his way to the back of the van, hopping to the ground and motioning for her to follow. Scoota hurried to get outside the musty confines of the vehicle, jumping off the back to the dusty ground below. She took a deep breath and looked at the expanse before her.


Oh, of course.

The Sniper watched as she looked around in awe. A deep chuckle broke Scoota out of her revere. She whipped her head around to face the Sniper, her face contorted into one of annoyance. He simple looked down and grinned. “Never seen a base before kid?” He said casually, his accent flowing over the words, reminding Scoota of her old home. She nodded slowly, still taking in the fact she was actually here. “Every mans dream is to fight, if you believe the Soldier, that is” The sniper spoke again, his words holding something that Scoota couldn’t pinpoint. “You must be glad to be here ‘ey boy”.

Scoota nodded enthusiastically, adopting her lower voice to speak. “Yeah, I’ve been wanting to sign up for a long time, can’t believe I got to enlist” She answered, grinning from ear to ear. The Sniper chuckled again before leading her to the main building and through the cool whitewashed halls, some more degraded than others, until they reached a huge dining room. Around the long wooden table sat the rest of the BLU team, all of them eyeing up the new recruit.

Scoota reminded herself not to get nervous under their gaze, as she scanned the people in the room. The Medic scrutinized her face, his eyes moving up and down her body as if to see what condition she was in. The Heavy smiled and said something in a low voice about “babies”. The Engineer raised an eyebrow and laughed to himself but still smiled warmly at her. Pyro just looked towards her; it’s not as if she could tell what he was looking at under that mask. Demoman took a swig out of his bottle and laughed shaking his head at her. Soldier was frowning, even though she could not see his eyes, he could tell he was judging her. The Scout didn’t even bother to look at her straight on, just glancing up for a bit before looking at the floor once more, muttering under his breath.


Do I smell a gang rape ahead? Because I'm sure I do.*

Scoota looked to her side only to find that Sniper had vanished, probably back to whatever vantage point he shot from. This left her alone, standing in front of a group of people that were sizing her up. She looked around the room once more, doing a quick head count. Seven? But there were nine members on a team, and only sniper had left. Only now did she realise there was a presence behind her, one she couldn’t see but was there all the same. She moved to hit the man behind her, only to find her hands caught above her head.

The Spy uncloaked himself, and Scoota found herself too close for comfort to him. Spy smiled slightly before puffing some smoke in her face. “If I were an enemy spy, you would be dead by now” he said coolly, but oddly still smiling, releasing her arms and stalking off down the hall. Scoota was left blushing as a huge uproar of laughter erupted behind her. “Spy give ze leetle baby big scare!” Heavy roared, banging his huge fist on the table, still laughing. “yo look at his face” Scout jeered “what’s up chucklenuts? Did our spy make ya piss yaself?”


Oh, I guess it was just the smell of horrible fanfiction.

Scoota bolted out the room, not bothering with her job assignment and briefing. She was mortified and isolation was the only cure. Jogging up the stairs, she extracted the map out of her bag and noted where the dorms were. Moving swiftly, she made her way to the sleeping quarters and fished out the key that was to her room. Inserting the small silver key into the lock, she turned it, the click allowed access to the room and she creaked the door open. The room was barely furnished, with only a bed and a dresser. Guess you didn’t need much during a war, Scoota thought to herself.

She dumped her bag on the dresser and opened the draws. Fantastic, who in their right mind would give her pink sleeping gear? She figured it was another joke the team had pulled one her. The other draws contained more blue shirts and the last draw had a curious black box within it. Taking it out gingerly, she opened the box to find a small revolver and some bullets inside. Extra precaution, she thought, carefully putting the box and its contents back.

Moving over to the door, she quickly locked it and took off her hat and shook out her hair. Even though it was only neck length, her honey blonde hair was already knotted. She quickly slid off her shirt and untied the bandages that kept her womanly features bound. She sighed in relief as the pressure on her chest was lifted. Putting on her blue shirt once more, she closed the drapes over the cracked window and lay on her bed, content to nap until someone needed her.


Is this going to be a TF2 version of Mulan? I bet it is.

She got ready swiftly, and walked to the dining room, her stomach doing back flips. Once she arrived, she could see this would be her worst nightmare. Several bottles of alcohol were crowded around a tiny shot glass. The team were gathered around a single chair, which faced the mass of booze. Medic, Sniper and Spy were not present, but that wouldn’t make it any easier for her. All eyes were on her as she sat before the shot glass, some team members sniggering to each other.

“Choose yer poison laddie” Instructed Demoman as Scoota looked hesitantly towards the bottles. She scanned the labels for any indication of what they were, some were so worn that the names were indistinguishable. She first chose a bottle of vodka that she spotted at the back. The label was in Russian, but it was the only clear liquid and she doubted there would be Gin inside. She poured the liquid into the glass and set the bottle down, looking around as the people around her clambered in for her first shot.

Lifting the glass to her lips she quickly tipped her head back and knocked back her first shot. The liquid burned her tongue and throat, but it was better than any of the stronger stuff. Scout sniggered behind her. “Knew he would choose the girl stuff first” he said poignantly before reaching past her to pick up a bottle of Whiskey. He poured some of the liquid into the glass and set the bottle to the side. “Try sum of that” he said simply. Scoota looked at the glass nervously. She had only ever drunk vodka and light rum, and this would surely make her chuck up later.

She picked up the glass but did not drink, musing about the choice she was about to make. Unfortunately her train of thought was crashed by a loud and gravely voice. “Cowards do not belong on the battlefield!” shouted Soldier “Have you no balls at all son?”. Scoota laughed in her mind at the statement, before knocking back the second shot. The liquid tasted foul and almost threatened to come back up, but she kept it down, pure determination her only drive at the present moment.

Audience: SHE CAN'T HOLD HER LIQUOR!

Soon lithe arms picked her up and made her stand. Scout looked down at her but said nothing as he slung her arm around his neck and held her waist to keep his charge upright. “didn’ know someone so puny could drink that much” he mumbled before hoisting Scoota up the stairs to her room. Scoota could barely keep her eyes open as Scout fished in her pockets for the key to her room. He opened the door and dumped her on the bed. She was too drunk to notice or care that Scout didn’t leave the room straight away, but hovered over her, examining her body.

Scoota blinked a few times and wondered why he was staring at her like that; she was supposed to be a guy after all. Maybe Scout was like, gay or something, she thought before blinking a few more times, trying to get a tiny bit of lucidity in her muddled mind. She looked up as he moved to take off her hat, too tired to stop him. When Scout found the mop of hair beneath, she could see his eyes light up. Did he think she was a gay guy because she had longer hair? That was kind of weird.

Scouts hands roamed her body, hooking under her shirt and pulling it up. Scoota tried to contest, only to be shushed by a fierce kiss to the lips. As soon as the kiss was broken, Scout laughed airily “ya think that drinkin’ was ya only initiation?” he asked, not expecting an answer. He lifted Scoota’s shirt up and shook it off her limbs, looking down at the bandages wrapped tightly around her breasts. “What the hell?” he asked quietly before tugging at a bandage and unwrapping the bonds, exposing Scoota’s breasts to the cool air.

Okay, looks like she gets to have sex with Scout.

Scoota could hear Scout stuck for words. He was gibbering away with half formed words before finally producing a coherent sentence. “Your a CHICK?” he exclaimed loudly, before being shut up by a hand over his mouth.

What about my chick!? >: (

Scoota had sobered up slightly and was shushing the damn Scout. “Yes. I am a girl” She said with confidence, clearly more sober “And you better not blab this to anyone”. Swatting her hand away, a grin slowly slid its way onto the scouts face “I wont tell nobody dollface, as long as you do somethin’ for me”. Scoota was about to ask exactly what he wanted, when she was again met with a kiss.

Scout was on top of her before Scoota could say anything. His hands were wandering over her torso, stopping every so often to massage and pitch at her breasts. Scoota moaned deeply as Scout suckled at her neck, his hands caressing every inch of her bare skin, the sensation more intoxicating the alcohol in her system. Soon Scouts mouth moved lower as he undid the clasp of her pants and pulled them down, along with the underpants underneath. One of his hands began to tease the moist nest between Scoota’s legs, drawing a long moan from her mouth.

Scoota could tell he hadn’t much experience dealing with a woman, but he certainly made up for it with enthusiasm. Scouts mouth was over one of her breasts sucking and nipping as he inserted a finger into her, moving it in and out haphazardly. Scoota howled in pleasure, clutching at the sheets underneath her. However, soon the pleasure ceased as Scout removed his hand and straightened up, unbuckling his own pants. “My turn toots” he whispered

He pulled down his pants and underwear, exposing his manhood. Precum glistened in the low light of the room as Scout stroked himself a few times before lifting up Scoota’s legs. He positioned himself at her entrance and gradually pushed himself in, the feeling of being filled causing Scoota to pant and moan. Soon he began thrusting, grunting softly and moving at a steady pace. Scoota clawed at Scouts back, moaning and breathlessly swearing. The slap of skin against skin resonated in the room, both parties’ moans becoming far more frequent.

Looking up, Scoota saw that Scout was concentrating on the task at hand, his face as contorted in determination and pleasure, his mouth open to breathe easier. She watched his muscles move as he thrusted, the world seeming to slow down as they made love. Scout was so filled with reckless abandon; Scoota guessed that was what made him tick, what possessed him to take such a dangerous job.

Scoota cried out as she reached her climax, her body clenching in blissful spasm. Scout came soon after, collapsing on top of Scoota, breathing heavily. Carefully, he extracted himself from her body and held her close. She laughed, out of breath and spent. “So you won’t tell anyone?” Scoota asked. “Not a peep” Scout replied, kissing her on the lips quickly before cleaning himself up and dressing. Scoota smiled warmly as Scout left her room, so what if someone figured out who she really was, she didn’t regret it at all.

And that's where it ends. Honestly, I was expecting a gang bang with Scout, Medic, Heavy, and maybe Spy. But, yeah.

Oh, and the Mary Sue test? She got a 15. But then, it's pretty short.

*gang rapes smell like gyros.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Jurassic Prick (Audio!)

Jurassic Prick by Mitchell St. John
Fandom: Jurassic Park

Oh, god, I hard a hard time reading this one.
This is probably one of the most ridiculous "erotic" fanfics I've come across. Dr. Grant gets an erection from everything, Lexie and Timmy are eager to have sex with him, and Dr. Grant has no hangups about having oral sex with two children.
Also, the story is split into two parts, but I had to cut off my reading quickly because, well, it would be awkward for my family to hear me reading a story about two kids having sex with a grown man. So, feel free to read part 2 at your own leisure (it's not very long).

Download/Listen on 4shared.
Read it here.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Full House fanfiction bonanza!

Happy new year, everyone! To celebrate the start of 2010, it's time for a marathon of horrible Full House fanfiction!

The Letter by ThePotterWay

So, in the final episode of Full House, Michelle goes horseback riding, falls off her horse, hits her head, and gets amnesia. Well, in this fanfic, Michelle dies instead. And you have this told to you no less than three times in this goddamn fanfic. And it's a fucking one-shot. Oh, and the author says that she doesn't care if people say it sucks. "Look how much I don't care, guys!"
Update! The author has added a new and even more terrible chapter! Go read!

The Baby Blues by Jacktupgirl

Honestly, I'm not too fond of the whole "OMG So-and-So and Whatshisname get married and have tons of kids!" plot in fanfiction. Probably because the whole childbirth thing sickens me in general. But, anyway, in this...lovely fanfic, practically every character is now married and has kids. Even the goddamn dog. Stephanie gets teen pregnant...with triplets and then she ends up getting hit on by this guy named Hunter and then it ends. Yeah, this fanfic is a complete trainwreck.
Some choice lines:
“We gave you an ultra sound and found out your pregnant with triplets! This is very odd in teenage pregnancy. You’re about 3 and a half months along and you are definitely showing! We figure your due date is about June 15th” exclaimed the doctor she left the room.

Stephanie couldn’t believe it. She clenched her stomach “You did this to me. You made me pregnant with these babies. It was my first time, you know that!”

"Comet, what did you do when you got that golden retriever from down the street preggers?" she asked, feeling silly confiding in a dog.
Update! The author has added more awful chapters!

Tanner Vendetta by GogoYubari69

Now, I like dark comedy as much as the next person, but this fanfic is way too much. Basically, Joey goes insane and starts raping and killing the rest of the characters. Seriously, dude, I don't like Full House either, but I grew out of the Assassin section of Newgrounds after sixth grade. And relying entirely on shock value for humor is pure laziness.
Some choice lines:
All of a sudden, she released a bloodcurdling scream. "JOEY'S RAPPING THE TWINS!"

The only reason they dated was because Steve liked his wang masturbated when he stuck it between her rolls.

Telephone by Nasty Quasimodo [Update: The fic has now been removed. Sadface.]

Stephanie tries to kill herself.
Stephanie becomes a suicidal cutter.
Stephanie has sex with Jesse.
Stephanie jumps out of a window.
Jesse kills himself.
What.

Diasuke The newest Tanner by Lokabo

Someone's trying to do My Immortal for Full House. They're failing miserably.

Boys, Please Don't Go by sunshineday123

Remember the one fanfic I did where Seto Kaiba's son gets kidnapped and then I had to wade through the POVs of these insane pairings? This is like the Full House version of that fanfic, except Nicky and Alex die and everyone angsts about it. Also, how the fuck did they die? You'd think there would be an explanation for dead 4-year-olds.

And so, that concludes my slightly belated New Years blog post. Let's hope I don't have to find another creepy sitcom fanfic for a while. Uggh.