Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Chase [A short story]

I'm the other contributor of Bad Fan Fiction Theater. At times, I'm a hardboiled detective, at others, I'm a hot-blooded mecha pilot... but my true form is that of Richter Honey [Alias. Real identity withheld for security reasons.]! I mean, no, no! I'm Richter, a hot-blooded Asian male. Also: Look! The East is Burning Red!

Yes, yes. This is my first post here, so treat me gently, but I've got a story for you~. Unlike Eve's stuff, I'm going to start off with some stuff that is not fanfiction (On this blog!? Heresy, Rich!). No, no! I will start with actual writing from actual English students!

Why am I doing this? Because, frankly, these essays are terrible. Badly written, badly thought-out, etcetera. They are, simply, dreck. But not to worry! That's what the BFFT is all about! We'll constructively criticize your work into a hole! Or, you know, just put it up for the world to see and laugh at. The world being a very small number of people.

Of course, if anyone from the class shows up here and wants me to remove it, I will. Remember, this is all in fun. I may say harsh things, but, let us laugh along, shall we?

The assignment here is simple: Given a list of sixty vocabulary words, compose a free-writing of any length using 15-25 of them. The topics chosen ranged from Barack Obama to an excellently hardboiled, film noir-esque detective. Today, I present to you The Chase. I chose it because the author's name showed up as the last editor when I opened the group document, and I found it silly. Her name is, apparently, Maisie (mitsuki) Mummert. Which is a ridiculous middle name, should I say (I dare say, is that a false identity!?). And this is her story. Normally, I'd MST3K it, but I'm a bit tired right now. Maybe I'll do that later.

Let us begin.
The Chase
by Maisie Mummert

[Here, the author assures us with a wink that she will pen more later]

My heart pounded in the beat to my footsteps, it seemed to dance at a frightening tempo. The malevolent presence I felt behind was definitely gaining upon us. I glanced at Silver only a stride ahead of me. He was so nonchalant about running for our life. His face didn’t express any sort of panic at all. He was indeed very enigmatic. I wondered if I was naïve to believe that he was truly calm as he appeared. No. he is a mediocre actor at best, He was truly calm. We rounded a corner into a back alley and I had a peculiar sense of déjà vu, I thought I was here before, but no matter. Silver yanked my arm and suddenly, I was no longer in the alley but in the back of a burger joint. I glanced at Silver questioningly, so he pointed to the grease stained wall and quietly said, “Trapdoor.” I smiled at our temporary redemption and realized we were in the Burger King. But now it was jamais-vu I felt as the place I worked at felt so unfamiliar. Looked up at him, he was so gorgeous, his lovely blue eyes, his silver hair, his model-like features; I had fallen head over heels for him. But I was very sure my love was unrequited, as I was almost positive he had no romantic interest in me what so ever. But I really wanted him.
Then, on the wall behind me, I heard a metallic screeching. I spun around and watched the metal “bend”. A jagged line bulged out of the wall. I saw that moment with lucid clarity. I ducked as the wall seemed to rip in half, and in that moment I got a full view of our pursuer. He was indeed grotesque. I stared at him for about a millisecond before I mustered all my strength and leaped out of the way. I hit Silver as I intended and knocked him out of the way of the falling bricks as well. I looked again at the interloper. To get away from the likes of him was a daunting task if there ever was one. He had completely annihilated the back wall. This one man had done that. And this man was out to kill us. He didn’t even need a machine to accomplish it but yet, here he was, knife in hand, staring straight at us with a crazed look in his feral eyes. He advanced upon us slowly, each step made my heart jump in fear. But I refused to succumb to my fear a dash out and leave Silver here to face this man alone. I knew these could be my last moments on earth, but I refused to lament over this, I will instead put all my energy into getting out of this mess alive. I may be inept when it comes to being graceful, but I am stubborn and determined if nothing else. The threat was transient but from my perception, anything could overcome if you wanted it enough.
Silver stood slowly, and pulled me up with him as we had fallen down in our mad dash to get out of the way of the falling brick. He looked into my eyes, and for the first time I saw sadness there. He seemed to mourning inside. I want to alleviate his suffering. Then, out of nowhere, he embraced me. He kissed my hair softly, then whispered three sweet word in my ear. “I love you.” I gasped softly then returned his love quickly. I had never thought that even in this miserable pandemic, something so unexpected, but yet so wonderful had occurred. I seemed to suddenly become inundated with hope. All the illicit acts we had endured seemed obsolete compared to what was happening now. We slipped out of our embrace and faced the horrid man before us. A huge smile on my face, it must have been more than just a bit unnerving to have the people you are trying to scare smile at you. I felt so luminary and free at the moment. Even as we brought about this man’s demise, I was still feeling full of wonderful love. Anything seemed possible with the love of my life at my back.

And there you have it. Take it as you will, but remember that there is a man named Silver standing in a Burger King in this one. And it is actually fairly well-written, as far as these essays go... relatively. At least it uses periods and capitalization.

Believe you me, more and more awful essays will follow. You have been warned, Loyal Reader. This is Hell's Gate and- Oh, well, I mean, that's what you're here for, right? You all have probably read CHR, too.


justathoughtor2 said...

Maisie disappoints me with this essay. I had thought her to be a better writer than this. Of course, some of the errors can be attributed to the need to include vocab. (That's why English assignments like this piss me off. Why restrict someone's creativity?) The worst part of the essay is the changing of tense from past to present and back again. *gag*

NM said...

I dunno, I'm kind of a hard-ass when it comes to writing, I think constraints and limitations make you stronger, and that saying "oh, you're just restricting my creativity" is kind of pretentious and leaves no room to improve.

That does not, however, excuse or encourage shoving all your vocab words into the first few sentences. Or picking tortuously bad names. Show me a piece of real literature where the main character has a sky related noun, color, or elfish pile of word vomit for a name, and... well, you'll prove me wrong, but it's probably a bad story anyways. APPROPRIATE NAMES PEOPLE!