Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Chase [A short story]

I'm the other contributor of Bad Fan Fiction Theater. At times, I'm a hardboiled detective, at others, I'm a hot-blooded mecha pilot... but my true form is that of Richter Honey [Alias. Real identity withheld for security reasons.]! I mean, no, no! I'm Richter, a hot-blooded Asian male. Also: Look! The East is Burning Red!

Yes, yes. This is my first post here, so treat me gently, but I've got a story for you~. Unlike Eve's stuff, I'm going to start off with some stuff that is not fanfiction (On this blog!? Heresy, Rich!). No, no! I will start with actual writing from actual English students!

Why am I doing this? Because, frankly, these essays are terrible. Badly written, badly thought-out, etcetera. They are, simply, dreck. But not to worry! That's what the BFFT is all about! We'll constructively criticize your work into a hole! Or, you know, just put it up for the world to see and laugh at. The world being a very small number of people.

Of course, if anyone from the class shows up here and wants me to remove it, I will. Remember, this is all in fun. I may say harsh things, but, let us laugh along, shall we?

The assignment here is simple: Given a list of sixty vocabulary words, compose a free-writing of any length using 15-25 of them. The topics chosen ranged from Barack Obama to an excellently hardboiled, film noir-esque detective. Today, I present to you The Chase. I chose it because the author's name showed up as the last editor when I opened the group document, and I found it silly. Her name is, apparently, Maisie (mitsuki) Mummert. Which is a ridiculous middle name, should I say (I dare say, is that a false identity!?). And this is her story. Normally, I'd MST3K it, but I'm a bit tired right now. Maybe I'll do that later.

Let us begin.
The Chase
by Maisie Mummert

[Here, the author assures us with a wink that she will pen more later]

My heart pounded in the beat to my footsteps, it seemed to dance at a frightening tempo. The malevolent presence I felt behind was definitely gaining upon us. I glanced at Silver only a stride ahead of me. He was so nonchalant about running for our life. His face didn’t express any sort of panic at all. He was indeed very enigmatic. I wondered if I was naïve to believe that he was truly calm as he appeared. No. he is a mediocre actor at best, He was truly calm. We rounded a corner into a back alley and I had a peculiar sense of déjà vu, I thought I was here before, but no matter. Silver yanked my arm and suddenly, I was no longer in the alley but in the back of a burger joint. I glanced at Silver questioningly, so he pointed to the grease stained wall and quietly said, “Trapdoor.” I smiled at our temporary redemption and realized we were in the Burger King. But now it was jamais-vu I felt as the place I worked at felt so unfamiliar. Looked up at him, he was so gorgeous, his lovely blue eyes, his silver hair, his model-like features; I had fallen head over heels for him. But I was very sure my love was unrequited, as I was almost positive he had no romantic interest in me what so ever. But I really wanted him.
Then, on the wall behind me, I heard a metallic screeching. I spun around and watched the metal “bend”. A jagged line bulged out of the wall. I saw that moment with lucid clarity. I ducked as the wall seemed to rip in half, and in that moment I got a full view of our pursuer. He was indeed grotesque. I stared at him for about a millisecond before I mustered all my strength and leaped out of the way. I hit Silver as I intended and knocked him out of the way of the falling bricks as well. I looked again at the interloper. To get away from the likes of him was a daunting task if there ever was one. He had completely annihilated the back wall. This one man had done that. And this man was out to kill us. He didn’t even need a machine to accomplish it but yet, here he was, knife in hand, staring straight at us with a crazed look in his feral eyes. He advanced upon us slowly, each step made my heart jump in fear. But I refused to succumb to my fear a dash out and leave Silver here to face this man alone. I knew these could be my last moments on earth, but I refused to lament over this, I will instead put all my energy into getting out of this mess alive. I may be inept when it comes to being graceful, but I am stubborn and determined if nothing else. The threat was transient but from my perception, anything could overcome if you wanted it enough.
Silver stood slowly, and pulled me up with him as we had fallen down in our mad dash to get out of the way of the falling brick. He looked into my eyes, and for the first time I saw sadness there. He seemed to mourning inside. I want to alleviate his suffering. Then, out of nowhere, he embraced me. He kissed my hair softly, then whispered three sweet word in my ear. “I love you.” I gasped softly then returned his love quickly. I had never thought that even in this miserable pandemic, something so unexpected, but yet so wonderful had occurred. I seemed to suddenly become inundated with hope. All the illicit acts we had endured seemed obsolete compared to what was happening now. We slipped out of our embrace and faced the horrid man before us. A huge smile on my face, it must have been more than just a bit unnerving to have the people you are trying to scare smile at you. I felt so luminary and free at the moment. Even as we brought about this man’s demise, I was still feeling full of wonderful love. Anything seemed possible with the love of my life at my back.

And there you have it. Take it as you will, but remember that there is a man named Silver standing in a Burger King in this one. And it is actually fairly well-written, as far as these essays go... relatively. At least it uses periods and capitalization.

Believe you me, more and more awful essays will follow. You have been warned, Loyal Reader. This is Hell's Gate and- Oh, well, I mean, that's what you're here for, right? You all have probably read CHR, too.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Franzie's Fan Fic Pet Peeves

Since I've accumulated several over the years, here is a list of the things I hate when I read fanfics.

1) Sugar and caffeine highs are not good excuses to post bad fics!
Sometimes, we have those nights.
"Hey, Franzie, I got some Pixie Sticks and Coffee!"
"Awesome, let's have some."
30 minutes later...
"HEY, FRANZIE, LET'S WRITE A FANFIC!!"
"OMG YES IT WILL BE SO RANDOM LOLOLOLOL!"
The next morning...
"Woah, why did I write Goku having sex with an elk-man?"
"I dunno, let's put it on the internet."

Yeah, just because you wrote something while high on sugar doesn't automatically make it hilarious and "random". It's often obnoxious as hell. Don't do this.

2) If you want to put a mental disorder in a fanfic, do the research!
Mental disorders in fiction can create great drama. However, people can get very, very annoyed when you completely butcher a mental disorder. Schizophrenia does not make you yell "CHEESE MONEY NINJA!!!" every three seconds. People with multiple personalities don't interact with those personalities and have no memory of doing things that their other personality has done. Having depression doesn't mean you instantly streak on the black eyeliner and start cutting yourself.
If you want to portray a mental disorder, make it accurate. I can understand using them for dramatic purposes. But, I can't stress this enough, make it believable and accurate!

3) NO CUTTING. EVER.
Again, this can't be stressed enough. Cutting in fanfics has been done to death. It's not dramatic. It's not a good way to get people to feel sorry for your character. Barely anyone likes cutting in fanfics. In fact, this was one of the biggest tips in the fanfic panel at Otakon 2008 (for those wondering, I was the one who said the lame Sailor Moon overused plot. Forgive me, I was being impulsive).

4) Keep your facts straight!
If you're not sure about a canon detail, like, say, how to spell a character's name, refer to the original work or a trusted source (like a good fansite or, hell, Wikipedia). Constantly getting details from canon wrong or constantly misspelling characters' names makes you look lazy and that you don't care about the canon work at all. If there are alternate spellings, point it out! Alternate universe fics can be good things. Well, there's one exception, which is...

5) No high school fics!
High school fics, like cutting, have been done to death. Really, how many times have we seen Cloud and Tifa as 16-year-old high schoolers with Sephiroth as the principal? While I understand it's nice to have characters your age and in your situation to identify with, it's really not a good idea to make high-school fics unless the characters are high-school age to begin with.
Good example: (as much as I would hate to see this) Gunbuster
Bad Example: Guilty Gear (99% of the characters are in their 20s or older. Why would they be in the same grade as May and Bridget?)

6) This team needs a female/male character!
So, you like The Outsiders. But, almost every character is a boy! And you really like Dally. I mean, who doesn't? He's soooooo dreeeeeaaaaamy! "Dally needs a woman!" you think to yourself.
So, what do you do?
Let's make a female greaser to join the gang! She'll be the best girlfriend ever and she'll be the best fighter and stuff!
Yeah, this is a bad idea. The characters turn out to be Mary Sues 99.9% of the time. The same goes for adding a male character to a primarily female team, like the Sailor Senshi. They have Tuxedo Mask, and it's canon that only women can be Sailor Senshi. Also, David Gonterman tried and failed.

7) I'm gonna rewrite the series to how I see fit! With more YAOI!
Look, I like yaoi.
But I don't like it when someone decides that "the series was good, it just needed more GAY SEX!"
No, it doesn't. If it's something like Yu-Gi-Oh, the focus is not on how Yami Yugi is going to seduce Seto Kaiba and they have awesome sex! The focus is on card games and friendship (yeah, yeah). Character relationships are important in a series. It's just that a lot of people forget, there is such a thing as friendship! A middle! A grey area! Not every relationship has to be outright hate, romantic, or sexual.
Also, I think it's quite insulting to the original creator to say that "Your work wasn't up to my standards. I'll rewrite it to make it better, but under my terms."

Well, that's all I have for now. Later!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Bathroom Break

Bathroom Break...Sorta...I Suck at Titles by Sadistic Arsonist
Fandom: CatDog

I never really liked CatDog in the first place, so I was pretty sure fanfics for it would be awful. This one...well, the author's description gives you an idea:
Rated PG-13 for weird content....Dog decides he has to go to the bathroom....and triggers some very weird things...NOTE: My friend and I were on sugar and caffine when we thought of this...heh heh heh...
Since the fic is short, I'll put it here in its entirety.

Authors notes: Hey! Sadistic Arsonist here. I am writing this as a result of too much sugar. I had a conversation with my friend today, and…well…this fic is the bastard child of that conversation…

“Cat.” Said dog. “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Cat turned to stare at him, which wasn’t an easy task, seeing as they are joined in the center for god’s sake. “What did you say?”

“I have to go to the bathroom.” Dog repeated, urgency in his voice.

“Uhh…how would that work??” Cat asked his counterpart.

“I…I don’t know.” He said, walking out of the house and onto the lawn, Cat following unwillingly.

Suddenly, a beautiful female cat walked by. Cat’s pupils turned to hearts as he watched her walk by.

“Wow…she’s…” He was interrupted by Dog’s strangled cry.

“C…cat…what's going on??” He cried. Or, rather choked out, for, coming out of his mouth was a giant, hard piece of flesh. It had no fur, and was tan in color.

“What's THAT?” Cat exclaimed, staring at the enlarged piece of flesh. His gaze then lifted from the thing coming out of Dog’s mouth and tried to find that beautiful cat. She had gone. Then, the enlarged thing began to shrink and went back into Dog’s mouth. He exhaled a sigh of relief.

“Well, at least THAT’S over…” He said. “But I still have to go to the bathroom!!” Suddenly (A/N: I know I use that word too much, but whaddya gonna do??), a hole opened up where Cat and Dog are joined and a warm, yellow liquid seeped from it.

Cat and Dog stared at it. “What's THAT?” Cat asked for the second time that day.

“I don’t know.” Dog replied. “But I don’t have to go to the bathroom anymore.”

They both laughed and went back into the house.

End.

Authors notes: Wow. That was perverted. I suck. Goodnight. Review please! Even flames are wanted…..go figure…

The verdict:
At least the author agrees with me. 0/5