Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Fandom Writer

The Fandom Writer by Nickolaus Pacione

We all know Nicky, right?
Yeah, this is a four-year-old story, but it has to do with fanfiction and it sucks, so it's here anyway.

According to the description, this is Nicky's "most notorious story to date". Let's see what makes it so "notorious", shall we?

She was a horror writer, but one who didn’t write of characters that belonged to her, and bastardized the characters of a writer who didn’t agree with she did. Her name was Alice Thompson, and she liked to write what they called slash fiction -– the writer who she idolized was named Albert Joseph Poe.

Uh oh! Watch out, yaoi lovers, this one is for you!

Though what she did was something Albert wouldn’t approved of, and some of the people who read his work sent her electronic mail saying what she did should not be done.


The thing that she overlooked –- the very strong detail that every person who read his work would know that he was a born again Christian.

We know how anti-gay all Christians are, amirite?

This continued for a few years –– the fan fiction writer was in her late forties but the writer she idolized was in his mid 20s though had a mentality of someone who came from the old world because one of his correspondence was a horror writer that she absolutely hated with a passion, that writer wrote a style of horror that was similar to Frank Bellknap Long, R.L. Stine, and Frank Perretti.

We're going to have a lot of these run-on sentences in this story. Put on your hard hats!

She ignored every electronic mail she received from other writers who speak up for the traditional style of horror saying, “Alice what you are doing is a disgrace to the horror genre; find a different profession that suits you better.” It figured as much because she did work at a fast food eatery, she was a cashier for a McDonald’s.

HA HA! Yeah, those stupid slash fiction writers! They only work dead-end fast food jobs and they have no lives other than writing slash fiction! Oh, and slash fiction is a DISGRACE TO LITERATURE! YOU HEAR ME!? A DISGRACE!!

Though she didn’t really understood why he wrote this way she liked what he wrote but continued to bastardize what she was doing with them.

Any work you write slash fiction about? Yeah, you're bastardizing it! YOU'RE MAKING IT UNCLEAN! NOW IT SHALL HAVE A HORRIBLE REPUTATION ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU YAOI FANS!!! *froths at the mouth*

Though she didn’t care what she did was an abomination in the eyes of God, and the instant messages that she got from people who read her work on various fan fiction sites were quite pissed that she would do that to a writer that she had much respect for.

No, really, there is a passage in the Bible that says slash fiction is a sin.

She was the practitioner of the blasphemy of nature, shunned every bit of what Albert believed and basically refused to set foot in a church. She wanted nothing to do with the church. She is what the Christians called the Spirit of Sodom. The writer that she was bastardizing had a learning disability and a mental illness;

This sounds familiar somehow...

but when she send him an electronic email – he gave her a piece of mind, “I read your work you did off what you did of mine. Listen to me when I say this, why do you even do that kind of work of something I never intended it to be? If you are going to do that, write it with another writer who agrees with that shit – don’t do it with my creations. It pisses me off when some little fan fiction writing hack bastardizes what I wrote, no matter what it is.. I hope what I say here lives within your nightmares. No one should have the right to do that, you are nothing more than a thief with a word processor.”

Grr...who needs fans showing their appreciation for my work!? How dare they write their own stories with my characters!? Even if it's in canon!! HOW DARE THEY!!

It was on April 13, 1998, when the events that unfolded according to one of her younger siblings but what came about of this day would start as a minor system failure into what would become the nightmare that made her swear off writing.

Oh no!

It was sometime about midnight when she decided to write another story off a title of his –– taking his beloved characters and making them into something they were never meant to be.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaayssssssssssss!! *shakes fist*

He saw the inspiration to write horror from the tracts written by Jack T. Chick, some of the imagery would remind one of those tracts.

That's weird, most people see comedy instead of horror.

He wrote more to keep his mine sane while he has to spend the rest of his life on disability –– the horrors in his mind were written so he stayed sane, but that was something a fast food worker as Ms. Thompson wouldn’t even begin to understand.

Fast food workers have NO FEELINGS! >: (

he began to dose off without a single worry until she began to dream. “Awaken, “ the voice said to her. She rose from her bed while the rest of her physical body was still asleep. She didn’t realize what was going on – until she was standing within a darkness she cannot begin to fathom. The voice said to her, “Charon awaits.” He was clad in a long gray robe and smelled of burning sulfur. He had a look to his face that lacked emotion, “I am an Angel of God who overlooks those who had been sent to Damnation, welcome to the place because you have done things with a man of God’s work that shouldn’t of been done.”

Fanfiction is a sin, everyone!

“I don’t understand. I am just a mere fast food worker who writes fan fiction. I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell. How could this even be my Judgement?” She began to become even more terrified; then she began to see if she was dreaming. She kept thinking one of those tracts that were left at her place of work but couldn’t understand why it was placed there. But she kept seeing the lake of urine and feces; one could not begin to describe the look of an absolute horror until she sees Albert Poe writing on his word processor – she becomes the subject of one of his stories. “No, this cannot be real – I am dreaming, dear God, let me be dreaming.”

It's a conspiracy! (also, Dante's hell doesn't have any lakes of urine and feces. I don't know what this guy's been reading)

They looked at her in the sense that she desecrated the writings from a man of God. This was her fate for the blasphemy she did before God – the blasphemy of the Holy Ghost.

All fanfic writers must burn in heeeeeeeeell!!

“Albert –– let me take a look at this one,” Patricia smiled, “I know.” She began laughing insanely when she started typing the next few paragraphs.
“What are you doing,” he said laughing.
“Turning the bitch into a pillar of salt. You remember the story about Lot’s wife when they fled Sodom and Gomorrah. His wife was concerned about everything they left behind, ignored the angels warning and turned into a pillar of salt,” Patricia responded. She had this wicked grin on her face, while she wrote the paragraphs, Alice looked from below in Purgatory while she was being gnawed by all the creatures in hell. No one could tell what they were writing from the glow of pixels was the hell that Alice Thomspon was suffering, the nightmare of damnation before her eyes – being shoved face first by a skeleton and a pitch fork within the lake of flames. The water she was boiling in was not water at all but that of piss.

Haha! Let's laugh at a poor woman's suffering, just because she wrote fanfic and some Christian fundie is butthurt!! So hilarious!

Albert responded with morbid laughter, “Now I see why I married you, the imagination you have is much more demented than mine will ever be. It is going to be strange how the Pastor reads our work, it is almost if it inspired a few of his sermons. Do you think that Ms. Thompson learned her lesson not to even begin to bastardize characters that didn’t belong to her –– true she might be a fan of my work, but what she did with my characters was just wrong in the eyes of God. I could only imagine what our pastor would of said to her if she got an email from him.”

Too bad this story is serious about it's subject matter. It would work as a parody. Oh, wait, Nicky already thinks he's made a genius parody. Sorry, but calling people who write fanfiction sinners that deserve to burn in hell is pretty damn cruel.

Alice responded with a look of horror to her face, “is this what you meant by your words giving me nightmares? You pulled me into a word world that would be said of the inferno by Dante. Am I alive or am I dead?”

Again, Dante's hell had no lakes of shit and piss.

Spending the rest of eternity in a coma, that would become the fate she was to suffer. The words that Albert said to her basically got to her in her sleep, that she has to spend the rest of her days within a fleshly coffin. Her death was not a psychical death but that of a spiritual one. She was thinking, I cannot be dead –– dear God, what have you done to me and why are you making me suffer like this? Is this the fate of what happened in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah? God let me wake up, please, I will swear off writing, I didn’t realize writing slash fiction was such an abomination before your eyes. I never thought I would be the subject of someone’s cerebral matter.

This is sooooo hilarious, right guys? Guys?

The Verdict
Yeah, I make fun of fanfics, but Jesus H. Christ. I don't wish any fanfic writers to burn in hell just because some fanfics are bad. And slash fiction can be pretty damn good if written right. Besides, the only author I've ever seen complain about slash fics was Ann Rice, and she was a loon to begin with. What is it with born-again Christians and being so homophobic?

2010 Update: I finally got the whole story on this...story shortly after I wrote this review, but I never managed to post my new opinions on it until now. Basically, for those not familiar with that fiasco, the woman Nicky originally wrote the story about was a fantasy writer (as in, a professional writer, not a fanfic writer) who gave Nicky some concrit on a message board. He got butthurt, like he usually does, and not only sent her threatening messages, he sent threatening messages to her daughter (who was underage) as well. The main character was, in fact, the writer that Nicky threatened and this was a hatefic against her. After a huge outcry against him, Nicky changed the name of the main character and removed all references of her being the same person.
As far as I know, Nicky still doesn't feel bad about what happened and still believes that this story is genuinely good.

1 comment:

missiltowe said...

That's funny.
I've been threatened with damnation for my Biblical fanfics, but i've also had the Faithful smile about how my basic atheism is going to end in eternal torment.

Taking the fanfiction this personally, though? Loony.