Friday, April 18, 2008

Dying to be Thin

Dying to be Thin by Yoko-cw
Fandom: Yuu Yuu Hakusho

Eating disorders are no laughing matter, but they make for perfect drama! And if they're good enough for the CW, then they sure are good enough for fanfiction!

DtbT is the story of Kurama and how he battles his bulimia. And, it starts with lots of weepy melodrama:

"Some people look at me, and they think of how weird or disgusting I am.

Some look at me with admiration or envy.

I look at me...and I gag. I look in the mirror as the monster grows. As I get fatter no matter how much I exercise or how little/much I eat. I don't want people to worry, because I'm going to be ok. As soon as I'm thin, I'll stop! I'm not really sure how long that will take; I just want it to be soon.

How did I get this way, you may ask? I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw all the others; how thin they were. I had always strived to be perfect, and this would be something to add to my list; thin. If you ask anyone else, they'll tell you different. They don't think I'm fat. But I know I am. If they don't like the way I live my life, tough. This is MY LIFE and I'm going to live it however I want to. It won't kill me, right?"

That's right, it's KURAMA'S LIFE!!! And NOTHING can STOP HIM from BECOMING THIN!!!!!!! >: (

"My usual fasting meals consist of tea, water, coffee, oatmeal or oranges. Not all of those in one day, usually I pick one and have it in the evenings, then try to ignore the rumbling in my stomach as the night goes on. Before my binge, I cry sometimes, then it gets to be too much, and I just start to mindlessly shovel down food. Then I feel disgusting and ashamed and I go to the bathroom. I eat handfuls of laxatives, and spend the rest of the night on the toilet."

Bulimic!Kurama must be wonderful company.

"Once, nothing happened immediately. I tried to puke, but all I did was gag. So I ate more laxatives and water pills, then I went to bed in tears and fell into a fit-full sleep. I awoke around two am, with a weird feeling in my stomach; a slight rumbling sound. I sat up, but it was too late. I wasn't in diapers anymore, but I was still messing my bed and the floor. I spent the rest of the night crying and cleaning up the mess I had made on the carpet before my mother could come home. She was always at work during my binges. It was almost four before all evidence of my accident, and I fell asleep on the cold tile of my bathroom."

...someone's getting off on this, I'm sure of it.

"The people in the stores look at me weird because of all the junk food I buy. Cookies, cupcakes, ice-cream, pie. I learned after a while to buy some coffee, fruit, or some other kind of everyday food to avoid said looks. Sometimes I eat in the car on my way home, and then go to my room and start stuffing myself. I finished off a carton of ice-cream and a 12 pack of Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes in less than two minutes, then started on the chocolate cream pie. I looked pregnant when I was done, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to soak in the comforting feeling the food brought me. Sighing, I faced reality and went into my bathroom, shoving three fingers into the back of my throat and puking. It was painful, re-opening all the old blisters, but it was worth it. I was glad to see that food because it was all SO FATTENING."

First she's catering to the poop fetishists, now she's catering to the fat fetishists. What next, woman!?

"One day, I tried to puke again, but nothing came up. I couldn't figure out why. After a few tries, I gave up with the finger, and just downed some random cleaning product. Stupid? Yes. But, effective; I was puking for over an hour."

Not only is this Bulimic!Kurama, it's also Downs!Kurama.

So, the rest of chapter one details how Kurama's mother doesn't know how to deal with his eating disorder and how his classmates always make fun of him. Boo hoo. Chapter 2 is boring fluff. Chapter 3, however, is where the yaoi comes in.

""Y'know fox," I look over at him, watching him kick snow out of his way, "I didn't mean to insult you when I mentioned the weight gain." Damn, there it was again! I didn't say anything though. "You've changed in other ways," he smiled at me, near grinning as he reached over and lightly tugged the end of my hair, "This red mop of yours has grown quite a few inches," he let go and put his hand back in his pocket, "Your taller, if not only by a centimeter or two, but taller never the less!" I smile helplessly. "And," here, Hiei stopped walking, I myself doing the same and he wasn't smiling anymore. "And I think, as impossible as it sounds, I love you more than I ever have..." He kissed me softly, his hand finding my own and lacing our fingers together, "I've missed you...stupid fox." I laughed, albeit tearfully, and rested my forehead on his, "I've missed you too, itoshii..." A/N: I think it means beloved"

Oh, and the fangirl Japanese.

"We went back to my house, grateful that my family had gone shopping, and changed out of wet clothes and into warm, dry ones. We sat on the loveseat, my head on his chest as I listened to his heartbeat, and drank green tea together, watching the muted television but neither of us really paying attention to what was being said. His fingers, as always, found my hair; he hesitated before running his fingers through it. "Fox, your hair is thinner..." I smiled up at him, running my finger lightly across his lips, "Hiei, I never knew you pay so much attention to such small details. But, yes it is. I got it trimmed two days ago." He smirked, changing his position so he sat forward on my lap, and found my lips with his own. Hiei's hands were loosely around my neck and mine on his hips as we kissed for the first time in what felt like far too long."

I have to admit, some fangirls have the gift to write nicely. However, they tend to use it for evil.
So, at the end of chapter 3, Kurama goes to step on the scale, dreading what he would see. And what's the result in chapter 4? None! Because the entire chapter is an author's note!


I am SOOO Sorry about my lack of updating on this story. But I do have a reason...or two...!

#1-Okay. I currently REALLY like perhaps even love... someone. And, I recently found out that she's started dating someone. I want her to be happy, with all my heart, but at the same time, I kind of get depressed.

#2-Migranes. Ugh. --; they've been terrible. Disabilitatingly terrible! Nausea and stabbing pain in my temples that pretty much had me bedridden...

#3-Depression. Could go along with reason 1. I simply didn't have the drive to do anything but lie there and be all stupid like. I'm currently at a numb state...

#4-Grades! They've suffered... And, this could also go along with the previous reasons. I've been trying to get some extra credit in, so I don't have to repeat my sophmore year.

Tomorrow I'll be going to the doctor to see if I can get this 3-day straight headache taken care of. I'll try and get another chapter up! Thank you to all my readers."

And now, for a Fangirl Manners tip!
If you're going to explain why you won't be updating so often, put it in a personal blog or website! Don't use your actual story to post your life's goings-on. It's rude to your readers when they see a new chapter up, only to find out it's not a continuation of the story at all.

Anyway, we resume our story in chapter 5, where Kurama finds out he weighs in at:

"112 pounds...

How could that be? I'm five foot seven; how could I possibly weigh so muchA/N: His height info came from the ideal weight would be around 115-120; I got this from a medical book so it might not be 100 accurate, but rather a good estimate Slowly, I eased myself back against the wall and slid to sit down; I rest my head on my knees and tried not to cry. I hadn't eaten...I've been exercising so how could I possibly be so damned heavy? Several insults raced through my mind; failure, moron, fat ass, and good for nothing... And they were right."

Tip 2) Footnotes are your friends! It's very distracting when you put author's notes in the middle of a story.

Oh, hey! You guys know what's a staple in stories like this? That's right! Cutting!

"...I don't recall taking the blade into my hands...

It was one of those old fashioned razors; a simple blade that was attached to a wooden handle. It pops forward easily, revealing the shining metal that seemed to call to me in a demented fashion. Biting my lip, I tried it, just once. 'Just one cut, I'll see if it helps.'

I pressed it onto the outside of my forearm, a sharp sting followed by a steady stream of blood and a burning that seemed to come from the very core of the veins. My breath hitched; it hurt, it felt good...

It helped."

Craaaaaawling in maaaaaaah skiiiiiin...theeeeeese wouuuuuuunds, they will not heeeeeeeeaaaaaaal!!


Anyway, we'll leave off there for now. Tune in next time for part two of Dying to be Thin!



Anonymous said...

Hi. I am Yoko-cw. I am here to comment on your bashings :D If you had bothered to look this was written when I was 14 and any grasp I had on eating disorders was mild experience and research, in other words, sufferers own words and experiences, and I applied it to this story. If you look at it now, there are some deeper levels to it.
If i could I would delete the first 10 or so chapters of that stories but...well, then it wouldn't make any start.
(my poor grasp on an anorexic mind is absolutely appalling; the bulimic mindset, again due to experience, is more readable. I hope you look up my story again and, if you have an open mind, tell me what you think of some of the later chapters.)
Thank you for the critique.

Franzie von Karma said...

Hi, Yoko!

Thanks for your comments! It's always nice to hear from the authors, actually.

Anyway, looking back on this, when I started writing my entry on DtbT, fanfics with eating disorders and cutting were very, very cliche, especially in yaoi fanfics.
Since you said you added later chapters, I'll take a look and I'll tell you what I think of them.
You're writing style is actually pretty good!

Again, thank you for the comments!