Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wishes Never Come True

Wishes Never Come True by journey maker
Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4015406/1/Wishes_Never_Come_True

In my experience with the fandom, YGO fangirls tend to be some of the most broken people you will ever encounter. I knew one once, but that's another story.

Anyway, WNCT is one of the most horrible, brutal, non-guro fanfics ever. It's supposed to make you feel sympathetic to Serenity's plight, but it created a "Jesus H. Christ, what the fuck!?" response from me.

"She stood looking out the window of the room and as tears ran down her face she prayed for this nightmare to end. She touched her bulging stomach and then she thought about how that monster had used her over and over for his own sexual needs and then that day when she felt something moving inside her stomach and when she told him about it, he ordered her examined and when it was confirmed that she was with child, he was overjoyed and all she wanted to do as get this abomination out of her and destroy it and this monster who impregnated her with this thing. This is how it all began..."

Who's the father!? We must know!

"It all started when she wished she could find the perfect guy to fall in love with and then three days later while she was walking in the Park she sat down on a bench and closed her eyes and then she heard the most beautiful voice say “I found you at last, the girl of my dreams.”"

Tip #3: Avoid run-on sentences! This can easily be made into two, or even three, sentences.

"Serenity opened her eyes but no one was there. She shook her head and then she felt kind of light headed and then everything went black. When she opened her eyes she was in a strange room lying on this huge bed covered in rose petals and as she got up she noticed that se was dressed in an old Victorian style dress and her hair was piled upon her head. She got off the bed and walked around the room and she came to a window and as she looked out she cried tears of sorrow because she missed her family."

And now, some tips on how to spot a wife-batterer!
Tip 1: Wife-batterers will magically transport you to magic castles and put you in old fashioned dresses and shower you with rose petals.

"The door opened and in walked the most handsome young man that she had ever seen and he walked over to her and he reached out his hand and something made her place her hand in his and this young man kissed her hand and then in the most beautiful voice he said “Why are you crying my princess?”

Serenity wiped her eyes and she said “I want to go home, I miss my family.”

This young man then said “My name is Malik and I’m going to be your family from now on. The others don’t exist anymore you are going to live here with me for ever more.”

Serenity yanked her hand away from this young man and she said “You are not nor will you ever be my family!” Then she ran over and climbed into the bed and curled into a ball and cried and cried."

Tip 2: Wife-batterers will give you flowery pet names. Oh, and they'll snatch you away from your family.

"Malik had a very vicious look on his face then he turned and walked over to the door and before he left he said “You will soon realize that I’m your family now and if I have to I will prove it to you the only way I know how.” Then he slammed the door shut and this caused Serenity to jump and wonder what he really meant by that statement.

Three times a day a slave girl would bring meals to Serenity and at first she refused to eat but by the second day she was so hungry that she ate everything the slave girl brought her. This slave girl was really kind to Serenity and one day she asked the young girl “What is your name?”

The young girl didn’t say a thing and when Serenity touched her arm the slave girl flinched but when Serenity showed that she meant no harm to her the young girl watched as Serenity asked her the question again and the young girl pointed to her throat and then Serenity knew that she must be mute and so she smiled and the young girl took the tray and left."

Tip 3: Wife-batterers have slave girls.

"If only Serenity would have known why this young slave girl couldn’t talk she would have probably jumped from the window right then and there. The young slave girl was the daughter of the cook and one day Malik was extremely sexually excited and needed a woman and when he noticed this young girl outside in the garden alone, he went outside and he gently took the girl by the hand and led her into the maze and when they got to the middle he forced himself upon her and as she started to scream for help he smothered her just enough to make her faint and then he raped her little body over and over till he got reached his orgasm and then he carried her body to the old woman who treated her for the rape and Malik then ordered her to remove the girls vocal cords or die right then and there, well what could the woman do, she did as she was told and that’s why to this day the young slave girl never talks."

Yet another run-on sentence.
Tip 4: Wife-batterers will often have the vocal chords of their victims removed.

"Serenity was getting bigger every day with this thing growing inside her and that’s all she thought of it and how that monster had force her too to allow him to ravish her body and then finally when he lost his patience with her, he raped her like he did the young girl, the only difference Serenity didn’t scream but she fought him tooth and nail and this only made him laugh all the harder. When it was done he told her “You will be here for me and do as I say day or night, is that understood?”

And that’s exactly what it was like for her. She never was allowed to leave the room and the only people allowed in the room were the slave girl and Malik. As her pregnancy progressed and she could no longer lay on her back when Malik wanted sex, he forced her to get on her hands and knees and he get behind her and screw he like a bitch in heat and this was so degrading for Serenity and she would pray that she could just die."

Told you it was brutal.
Tip 5: Wife-batterers will laugh during rapes.

"She was now eight months along and Malik ordered the slave girl to stay in the room in case Serenity might need someone and one night about two weeks later she indeed need someone, she started going into labor. The slave girl ran and got her mother who ordered the guard to get Master Malik and tell him that Serenity was in full labor and if he wanted to see his child born to get to her room now!”

As Serenity was told to hold her legs apart and to grab hold of her knees and when the pains got really intense she was to draw her knees to her chest and push with all her might. Malik walked into the room as Serenity was screaming because the pain was so intense and she wanted to die.

It lasted for about two hours and then the old woman said “I see the head, now push a little harder and stop, as the woman got the cord off the baby’s neck and wiped its little head and cleared its shoulders she said to Serenity “Now push and push hard, your baby is almost here.”

Then Serenity screamed and pushed so hard she thought she was going to split in to and then she heard the sound of her baby’s cries and tears filled her eyes."

Ah, the miracle of life.

"Malik watched the old woman cut and tie the cord then she wrapped the baby in a blanket and then she handed him his son and as Malik looked down into the baby’s eyes he said “Welcome home Marik, I’ve waited a long time for this day.”

Malik then looked Serenity right in the eyes and he said “She is never to touch my son is that understood? Clean her up and then wash the linen and leave me and my son alone.”"

For those who don't know about YGO: There's only one character named Marik. Malik is just an alternate spelling (since "l"s and "r"s can be interchangeable when dealing with foreign names in Japanese language).

"When she was able to get out of bed without a lot of pain Serenity would walk over to the window and look out and dream what it would be like to just step out onto the ledge and step off? Would there be lots of pain or would she die instantly when she hit the ground? She never really got the nerve to do it. She then went back to bed and stayed there for three days.

Malik came into her room and ordered her out of that bed and to get dressed, I have someone I want to introduce you to. Serenity got up and she changed into a dress, combed her hair and then Malik walked to the door and said “Come and meet your mommy.”

Serenity stared at Malik and wondered if she had heard him right, when in walked a young boy of three and he was the exact double for his father. She blinked and then she fainted. Malik and Marik both burst out laughing and then Marik asked “How long are you going to keep her?”

Malik then said “I thought that maybe I could use her to make some good money with” and this made them laugh all the harder."

Tip 6: Wife-batterers have a special gene that allows them to age a year a day. When wife-batterers have children, the wife-batterer's DNA overrides the wife's DNA and the children are exact clones of the wife-batterer.

"When she came to Serenity looked around the room and she saw the slave girl on the floor near the window and she got off the floor and gently walked over and she touched the young girls arm and when she came to, Serenity said “Why are you here?”

The slave girl took out a tablet that Serenity had given her and she wrote on the paper what Malik and that thing had been talking about and Serenity knew that she had to get the hell out of her and now, so she went over to the window and when the young girl tried to stop her she softly said “I can’t live like this anymore, please let me go.” Then she stepped up on the ledge and she just stepped off and fell to her death.

When her body was discovered by a gardener Malik only said “Toss it out with the rest of the trash.” And he and Marik laughed till they had tears running down their faces.

At last Serenity is free from that monsters hold and she can now laugh and run with the other angels in heaven, where she awaits for her family to join her someday..."

Tip 7: The only way to escape a wife-batterer is to kill yourself. Don't expect the wife-batterer to care, though, since he thinks suicide is hilarious.
Oh, and suicide isn't a sin in Fangirl Christianity.

The Verdict

Horrible and brutal. It tries to be uplifting in the end, but it still leaves a bad taste in your mouth (or brain). 0/5


Friday, April 25, 2008

The Queen of Tejano Music

The Queen of Tejano Music by Nightcrawlerlover
Fandoms: Yu-Gi-Oh, Selena
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4021283/1/The_Queen_of_Tejano_Music

Have you ever wondered what some awesome crossovers would be? How about Yugioh x Selena? Well, then, your dreams have come true!

Our story follows Yami Yugi as he attends Selena's funeral...

"I, Yami, stood in the crowd as they lined in front of the closed casket. I couldn’t believe what had happened. Just two days ago Selena Quintanilla-Perez had gone to the Days Inn motel in Corpus Christi, Texas, to discuss missing financial papers with Yolanda Saldivar, a former employee and founder of the Selena fan club in Texas. Now, she was dead, killed by a bullet from Yolanda’s gun. So heartbroken was I that I expressed a desire to attend her funeral. Selena’s family, who knew me well, gave their consent, as did Chris, Selena’s husband.

As I moved with them up to the casket, I felt a sense of foreboding. I remembered it well…

“I can’t put the gun down!” sobbed Yolanda.

“Why? Tell me why, Yolanda.”

“Because I’m ashamed of what I’ve done,” wept Yolanda.

A few moments passed. Then Yolanda said,

“Look at what I’ve done to my best friend!”

I was pulled out of my musings by Abraham Quintanilla, Jr.’s voice saying,

“Yami?”"

Oh, this is also a songfic.

Anyway, Yami is also rather creepy:

"I brought my hands out from behind my back. In them was a red rose, long-stemmed.

“For you, Selena,” I whispered. I lay the rose so it was almost up to her throat. Then I put my hands together in a praying gesture, bowed my head, then bent and kissed her dead lips. Then I moved over to where I was to sit with Selena’s family."

And he does this in front of her husband, too.
Yugi then comforts a small child:

"I would never forget Selena. Her voice…the way she reminded me of Christine Daae from “The Phantom of the Opera” when singing…the way she put things into words very phenomenally…her smile…the way she looked good no matter what she wore, and encouraged me that I looked handsome as well no matter what I wore…

Again my reflections of Selena were interrupted by a tugging on my sleeve. I looked down; a child of ten was looking at me with his beautiful brown eyes. He wore a white shirt and blue shorts. His black hair was swept back.

I noticed there were tears in his eyes.

“I miss…her,” he said, pointing to the coffin. I nodded, then put my arm around him as he turned back to me.

I leaned down and whispered,
“I do too.”

Then the child climbed onto my lap and hugged me. I hugged him back.

In our own way, we mourned the loss of the Queen of Tejano music. I would have my memories of her forever."

But wait, it gets better:

"When I attended the trial of Yolanda Saldivar, I looked at her face. She was weeping inside, but I felt anger towards her. If this had happened back when I was Pharaoh, I would've sentenced her to the dungeon for committing a horrible, treacherous act. She was found guilty and sentenced to life in prison. As for me, I now visit Selena's family often. Chris offered to teach me how to play the guitar, and I accepted. Soon I caught on, and I played like I had been doing it for years. One night I went to the Days Inn motel, taking my guitar in my black guitar case, and slipped inside the room where Selena had met her fate. A guard with black hair and green eyes spotted me; he said I should go in.
"I listen to her music; something inside told me to let you in," he explained to me. I smiled, a smile that hadn't been there for days, then walked over to the bed, sat down, and opened my guitar case.

I pulled out my black guitar, then rested it on my lap. I strategically placed my hands where they would go, then with a guitar pick in hand, began to play.

As the guard outside listened, I heard him weeping. I knew how he felt. I continued to play into the night, knowing that Selena could hear me.

Oh Selena, I will always miss you, as will your fans."

And so, guitar-playing Yami travels back to Japan, playing his guitar and card games in Selena's memory.

The Verdict

While it's a crossover you wouldn't expect, it's just too damn sappy and cheesy. Ick, maple-flavored cheese. 1/5

Emo Kakeru

Emo Kakeru by ArisaAriyoshi
Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4194006/1/Emo_Kakeru

Okay, actually, this story has absolutely nothing to do with YGO. I have no idea why it's on a fanfic site.
Anyway, this is the story of a boy. A boy named Kakeru. Let's have Kakeru introduce himself:

"My Name is Kakeru and I have servere Autism, I attend Katagawa Middle school , and love my school more than home at the moment.

Why because I am around my siblings who remind me of who I would have been haven’t I been born with this curse.

I cannot do anything normal teenagers do, Kawai-kun is the most popular kid at school, she is good at maths, English, and has many friends, I wish I was just like her, I bet Onee-chan wants her to be her sibling rather than me.

I am good at drawing, it’s the only thing I can do.

But kids don’t see the artist, it’s just Niina-chan’s mentally handicapped brother that they see, not who I really am.

They think I wish that I was a Fairy Prince but I want to be more thn that, I want to cease to exsist, so that Onee-chan could stop being humiliated."

That's right, folks. This kid is supposed to be autistic. I think he has more of a case of the asperger's than actual autism. Oh, and the fangirl Japanese is rampant here.

"Some of the kids are coming up to my face, “What’s this? A cartoon?” bitched Surato., she picked up the picture and ripped it into shreads “YOU WON’T BE A MANGA-KA, YOUR AUTISM CAN’T HANDLE WORK!!”

“STOP!!” I scream my heart out “IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT AS SMART AS YOU, THAN FUCK OFF!!”

I run into the PE room,. I grab a tanto knife and prepare to place it onto my jugular vein and………."

Hold on, I need to dial 911...so I can call the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance!

"“Please stop Kakaeru-chan……..” said Kawai-kun “You don’t even know how lucky you are to be who you are Kakeru,…..”

“Tell that to any older siblings you have, Kawai….” I shout.

“You’re lucky” said Kawai, her voice breaking a little “My Older Brother died in a vicious car accident two years ago, his body was made completely useless, how would you feell if your sister was like that, huh!?”

“YHou’re brother died………..? He must be very happy…………..to be in a happy place…….” I smile.

Kawai is sobbing “No he’s not…………He’s all alone, somewhere above us, he, his girlfriend and his friend were ripped away from this world against their will…………it was heartbreaking for me to see him die in a room full of machines on his own like that………your sister would feel the same if you took your own life like that, think about how she’d feel…………..”"

.....................ellipses..................

"A big hole in my heart cause tears to fall from my eyes, a vison of my sister screaming at my white sheet covered corpse appears in my face, it becomes harder to breath and I fall to the ground sobbing.

Then I get another vision, Onee-chan being hit by a car and hitting the ground, her blood surrounding her, then her being defibrillated, while air is being pumped into her by a bag, and then the final blow came, her body in the ICU connected to machines, which are practically being her.

Then the Hear Monitor stopped, I start to sob even harder and the words “onee-chan…….one--chan….” exit ,my lips many times. I was a fool to even think about killing myself, Onee-chan would be heartbroken if I died.

Shizuka Kawai’s brother’s body was completely disabled, in the summer of ‘87 as was his mind, there was no way to save him.

I wonder if now, in the winter of 89, if anything would be done to save Onee-chan or me have any of us been hit by a car.

“Can we be friends………Kwai-san?” I ask “I want to live, I want to try and learn things that normal people can do.”

THE END"

And so ends the tale of Kakeru, a whiny little bitch.

The Verdict

Kakeru gains no sympathy from me. 0/5

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

More Than a Memory

More Than a Memory by AlleyKatSeesAll
Fandom: Rugrats
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3939129/1/More_Than_A_Memory

Why the fuck someone would write fanfics about Rugrats is something I'll never know.

Anyway, you know you're in for something when the author's note at the beginning is like this:

"This is just a nice Tommy angst story. I started writing this as a one-shot but thought that it would be good as a full story with songs as the names of the chapters. This is also in remembrance of the 9/11 attacks (even though it's way in December.) Anyway, the first chapter is called More Than A Memory by Garth Brooks. Happy reading:)"

9/11? Garth Brooks? Angst? OH BOY THIS SOUNDS LIKE FUN!

Tommy watched on the screen as the two planes hit the Twin Towers. His girlfriend Lil was on one of those planes. He gulped and felt tears run down his cheek. "Lil.", he said to himself. The news reporter came on. "Oh my god, a second plane has just hit the towers. Apparently, that plane was heading back to California.", the reporter said.

"Tommy stood up and ran out of the Java House with Chuckie in hot pursuit.

"Tommy!", Chuckie said chasing after his best friend.

"Why? Why today? Why now?", Tommy asked as Chuckie caught up to him.

"Maybe she wasn't on the plane.", Chuckie said.

"Yeah right Chuckie. That was her flight.", Tommy said"

Pfft. She's dead, you dumbass. *rolls eyes*

"Tommy went out the door to the bus. "Wait. Don't you want some breakfast?", Didi asked.

Tommy shook his head. "What's the point?", he asked.

Didi sighed and watched as her older son walk out the door."

God, mom, don't you know breakfast is meaningless!? We're all just gonna die anyway!

"Tommy looked around him. He didn't think he could deal with the pain of losing her. How many times must he wake up all the lonely nights without her by his side. He sighed and looked at the clock. Twelve midnight. The usual time that he wakes up screaming Lil's name. He wished she was there with him."

Oh, hold on. I need to set my Wake-Up-Screaming alarm.

"Lil picked up her cell phone and dialed Tommy's number. "Hi. You have reached the Pickles' residence. Leave your name and number and I will get back to you. Thanks bye.", Tommy's answering machine answered. She sighed. "Hey Tommy, it's me Lil. I'm coming home soon. Luckily, my dad and my mom was late getting to the flight. Well, you know my cell phone number. Call me back. Bye.", she said as she smiled.

She hung up the phone and looked at her mom and dad. "I'm ready to go.", Lil said as she smiled and dragged her luggage to the cargo hold and sighed. She was finally going home to the man of her dreams. And her friends. Life was now perfect. But, what she didn't know was that he was waiting at the station."

Wait, wait, wait. What timeframe does this take place in? Does this whole story take place over the course of two days? So, Tommy burns all his pictures of Lil and wakes up screaming immediately after he hears about 9/11? And he doesn't call her to see if she's still alive? He just assumes? Tommy, you stupid fucking dumbass.

The second chapter is a boring follow-up songfic (a Billy Ray Cyrus song, too. ugh). Tommy and Lil get married. Howard angsts over losing his daughter. Lil tells Tommy she's pregnant. Yawn.

The Verdict

This whole thing is mediocre and lame. LAME, I SAY. 1/5

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Poetry of Writer's Mind

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1401705/Writers_Mind

Meet Samantha, aka Writer's Mind. WM likes to think of herself as a budding young author. However, she seems to miss the point of "fanfiction".

This is her poem "I Wish I Hadn't", posted in the Afterschool Nightmare section.

"I wish I hadn't

I wish i hadnt of liked you.

I wish i hadnt of tried.

I wish I hadnt of thought you could be mine.

I wish I hadnt lied.

I wish I hadnt of given up so easy.

I wish I hadnt of cried.

I wish I hadnt of found you.

All it lead to was missory.

I felt loved no where and pain every where.

All I really wanted was your love.

But now youve lost your chance.

Ive moved on.

There was way to much pain.

I wish I hadnt of stayed stuck on you.

But now because of you I enjoy my pain.

Pain is no longer a foe, but a friend

Thank you.

I just feel bad about your luck."

This one was posted under Alvin and the Chipmunks:

"8 minutes

8 minutes to live

8 minutes to die

8 minutes to have fun

8 minutes of life left

8 minutes of greatness

8 minutes to rise

8 minutes to cry

6 minutes to stay

6 minutes to explain

6 minutes of love

6 minutes of hate

6 minutes of loathe

6 minutes of freedom

4 minutes of learning

4 minutes of talking

4 minutes of writing

4 minuets of shade

4 minutes of the moon

4 minutes of sun

2 minutes to strike

2 minuets of darkness

1 minute of light

Gone"

This one was also in the Alvin and the Chipmunks category:

"He must hate me. Everything about me.

He must hate me. Everything about me. The way I walk. The way I style myself.

The way and color Ipaint my nails. The color of my eyes. Everything. I tried so hard to fight the truth. He must hate me. Everything about me.

My friends try to make it better, but only make my life worse. They say thing like "Just move on. He'll figure out what he's done." Or "He likes you, Samantha. He's told me so. He's just way too childish to say it." I hate how much i love him.I cant let go. He must hate me. Everything about me.

Last year in Fifth grade must have been all a giant tangled lie. To keep me caught in his web. But we were the best of friends. He sat next to me every where and didnt even have to.I changed for him. I changed every thing. I even tries dying my hair. He must hhate me.Everything about me."

This is what our disoriented author has to say about her work:

"im telling you my life is a mess and i only write poems aboput my life and friends okay so i dont write about games or tv showssorry"

Oh, okay. Go ahead and post your non-fanfic poems on a fanfic site then.
Here's what the critics have to say!

"I was about to leave a review saying that you must have accidentally put this in the wrong category, but I took a look at your profile and realized you did it on purpose. I'm just not sure why. Fictionpress is a great place to publish original stories and poems, so why are you posting here?"-Eternalmoonprincess on "Come Crashing Down"

"i'm curious. y r u posting random stuff on wen there's something called fictionpress (i think u should kno pretty well by now since lots of critics have been telling u bout it) i didn't want to review, but ur 'thinking' just really sparked my interest. wat is it that u want? r u sane? r u emo? i kno that its none of my business and i prob sound mean but...dude. move on man. straighten out ur mind and life."-Dark Angelic Kitty on "He Must Hate Everything About Me"

"Alright, I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but this is really start to tick me off. You're always like "my life sucks. it's so dark and horrible" when people who are searching in a category don't care to read about how suckish your life is. We have our problems too, sweetie. This has nothing to do with Alvin and The Chipmunks (though you've already admitted to that) and I don't know why you feel the need to share how much your life sucks when people want to read about Alvin in the Chipmunks. From this poem, I can assume that right now you're in sixth grade, correct? Well it's showing through the immaturity I'm seeing with all of your poems. They're pretty good, but this is not the place to post them. I'm sorry if I sound mean, but this is the truth. I would gladly read your poems and enjoy them if they were put on the proper website."-Larsie on "He Must Hate Everything About Me"

"It always ** me off to see someone posting in a category of a good series saying 'this isn't about _'.

That's not cool at all. If you want anything other than negative attention for your little poem, then go someplace that accepts original works.

And while your at it, stop disrespecting the most touching series of all time and ** watch it. Noob."-Rinnian on "Change is Great"

There you have it! Quality poetry from a quality emo middle-schooler!

The Verdict

Like I said: Quality. Everything gets a 0/5, but an A+ for effort!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Ahole

Ahole by Serenityang2
Fandom: Sailor Moon
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4210166/1/Ahole [2010 update: Link is now dead]

We all know Sailor Moon, right? Okay, good.
Actually, this fanfic is short, sweet, and to the point. In fact, I'm posting the whole thing here for your convenience.

"INTO-DUCTION

Serena Tskino16 years old--has 1 sister lisa Tskino, and has a brother Sammy Tskino and An older brother 25 year old Brad Tskino and might be

pregnant with Andrew Crowns baby.

--Chapter 1--

Serena's House

Serena I can't belive u got yourself pregnant your only 16 get out and don't come back. And with that said she ran to Brads House

--

(Serena's point of view)

I ran as fast as I could and I knocked on b's door he opened..B dad (sob) just (sob) kicked me (sob) out (sob).And I didn't know were else to go

Pleaz help me B..

(Brads point of view)

I ran as fast as I could I got there and knocked on the door..It opened to reveal Sammy and Lisa crying...Dad I said why did you kick your daughter out..

He said she got herself pregnant...Woah no she did not she got raped you incosiderite ASS HOLE...He said no she wasn't that it was said just so Andrew

could get blamed.. How wrong was he...

--

Andrew looked at Serena in her face and called her a slut for saying he raped her in front of me...I didn't go with it instead I punched the living

daylights out of him for lying and calling my sister a slut."

The Verdict
This is obvious, folks. 0/5

Dying to be Thin: Part 2

Dying to be Thin by Yoko-cw
Fandom: Yuu Yuu Hakusho
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3950114/1/Dying_To_Be_Thin

Aaaaand, we're back!
So, we left off with Kurama slitting his wrists and being an emo loser. However, Hiei comes in and ruins Kurama's fun.

""Fox?"

I could have sworn my heart stopped as I heard his voice directly outside of my room. I hid the blade within the closest drawer and drew my sleeve down, and forced myself to calmly tell Hiei that he could come in. And he didn't hesitate before doing so. He leaned casually against the doorframe, one hand moving up to rub his tired eyes. "Fox, it's almost one am, why are you up?" He didn't sound accusing or angry; just generally curious. I smiled, hoping it was convincing, praying he wouldn't notice anything unusual."I was feeling restless, my love," and it wasn't a complete lie,"I needed something to do so I was going to clean up the bathroom."

'Please believe it Hiei...' He looked suspicious, red-brown eyes narrowing as he looked me up and down.

"It smells like blood.""

UH OH!!!

"That very sentence almost made my heart stop. Damn it, was I that stupid! How could I not remember that he could pick up on scent so easily? I tugged at my sleeve, "Just a small nick. Nothing serious." It seemed like he stared at me for an eternity after that lie tumbled from my lips. Finally, he let outa sigh and take my hand in his, "Just come to bed." He sounded tired. Not the 'I need sleep tired' but like he didn't want to deal with me anymore. It hurt; was I that much of a burden to him? Was I so much trouble that I was just making everyone around me suffer? I lay down slowly, pulling the covers up to my lips and turning away from him, trying to hide within the soft down of the quilts and the cold sheets. It was cold. I waited a few moments for Hiei to do something; to say goodnight; to say that he was sorry for hurting my feelings; to wrap his arm around my and kiss my neck like he used to.

But he didn't; he just lay there and slowly fell back into a calm state of sleep...

And I lay in the darkness and tried not to cry..."

I hate to sound cliche, but...someone call the WAAAAAAAAAAmbulance!
So, the next morning, Hiei is a jerk to Kurama, so, our hero decides to go scratch himself raw and vomit in the bathroom.

"I stood before the mirror, encompassing the entire wall, the steam distorting my body into a silhouette. I don't remember wiping it clean, but I could clearly see myself in it a moment later; it made me sick...but I couldn't look away. My nails dug into my stomach, all flesh and horrid fat. Dragging them sideways. Again. Again. Again.

Deep red marks bled, twins of what lay upon my arms. Kuronue's face, Hiei's eyes, my mother's voice... how many people would I hurt in these few lifetimes? How much time would I have to repent?

I pushed up the lid of the toilet, staring into the water inside and feeling my stomach clench. Feeling disgusting, pained, numb, I slipped my fingers past my lips and into the tight cavern of my throat. Painfully, a heave wrenched my body as I emptied my stomach, reveling in the pain it brought. I don't know how long I was there, thinking only of my self loathing and wanting to be empty. To be light.

...I wanted to be perfect..."

Chapter six is Kurama's mother's (Chiori) point of view.

"...Such a secretive child I had raised. He would tell me in his own time; he would come to me calmly and seek my advice as he always has and how I hope he always will. 4 down...F-U-N-E-R-A-L."

Ho ho! Foreshadowing!!
Chapter seven has more of Chiori's point of view. As she talks to Hiei, the author shows more of her horrible habit of comparing the characters' eyes to gemstones (Kurama's eyes were referred to as "emerald" no less than three times already). Meanwhile, our pasty protagonist is undergoing an excessive exercise routine.

"Ten nine eight seven six five four three two one...

One two three four five six seven eight nine ten.

Over and over again, I repeated those numbers in my head, counting the seconds back and forth as I stretched my legs, my arms, my back. I didn't want to look at my stomach, but somehow I was drawn to it. Disgusting; almost like how you don't want to look at that disfigured individual walking on the street, but it's magnetic. I stared at the fat and flesh I needed to lose. I imagined seeing the bone which lay beneath.

Kuronue's eyes flashed briefly behind my eyes; I replaced it with numbers before the tears could drown the emerald of my eyes; before the guilt would overwhelm me.

I thought of numbers, food, weight."

Four.

We then get a whole bunch of numbers detailing Kurama's weight, calories consumed, how many pushups he's done, etc. Yawn.

You know, this fanfic would probably be a little better if, you know, it wasn't a fanfic.
Anyway, chapter eight lets us see how cultured our author is!

"A pregnent moment of silence passed between us, him staring at me with wet eyes and I kept my eyes on a book I needed to finish. I thought of poetry; of Edgar Allen Poe, Yehuda Amichai, Anna Akhmatova, Guillaume Appollinaire...

'God has pity on kindergarten children,
He pities school children -- less.
But adults, he pities not all.

He abandones them,
And sometimes they have to crawl on all fours
In the scorchin sand
To reach the dressing station.
Streaming with blood.

But perhaps,
He will have pity on those who love truly
And take care of them
And shade them
Like a tree over the sleeper on the public bench.

Perhaps even we will spend on them
Our last pennies of kindness
Inhereted from mother,

So that our own happiness will protect us
Now and on other days...'"

See? Look how sophisticated and knowledgeable she is! She can quote Japanese poets! Isn't that unique and special!?

Anyway, Kurama and his mother have a nice conversation and Kurama's eyes are referred to as emeralds for the fifth time.

The last three chapters are really nothing special. Although, we get one more burst of emo in chapter eleven:

"My feet were bloody, my body sore and lungs burning. I wasn't crying even though I felt barely a moment from doing so.

Kuronue.

Yomi.

Hiei.

Shiori.

People I had lost. People I was losing right at this moment. Screaming, crying; embracing me, telling me they loved me. My mother said that so many times; there was too much she didn't know. Guilt, burdens, horrible memories, crippling emotions. There was an eternal weight, tied to my heart with barbed wire. It never faded, never vanished...

Kuronue...

I collapsed on a park bench, gasping for air, my hands resting on my quacking knees. I felt nauseous. I felt my arms burn.

I screamed.

My nails dug into the flesh. Crimson dripped down, a child's finger paint. I hated myself, my body, my soul... Deeper I dug my nails in, the tips sharpening into claws almost on their own. ...My hair began to bleed white and my teeth felt like they would shatter from the clenching of my jaw.

"Make it stop!" I sobbed up at the inked sky, "Please gods, make it stop. ...I can't do it anymore."

Panting, bleeding, crying.

"...Please, just let me die...""


The Verdict

Like I said before, this story would have made a better original story, emo and all. It doesn't seem right to have Kurama be a whiny, bulimic pussy. You could easily just replace the YYH characters with original characters and it wouldn't make a difference.

That said, the final score: 2/5

Friday, April 18, 2008

Dying to be Thin

Dying to be Thin by Yoko-cw
Fandom: Yuu Yuu Hakusho

Eating disorders are no laughing matter, but they make for perfect drama! And if they're good enough for the CW, then they sure are good enough for fanfiction!

DtbT is the story of Kurama and how he battles his bulimia. And, it starts with lots of weepy melodrama:

"Some people look at me, and they think of how weird or disgusting I am.

Some look at me with admiration or envy.

I look at me...and I gag. I look in the mirror as the monster grows. As I get fatter no matter how much I exercise or how little/much I eat. I don't want people to worry, because I'm going to be ok. As soon as I'm thin, I'll stop! I'm not really sure how long that will take; I just want it to be soon.

How did I get this way, you may ask? I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw all the others; how thin they were. I had always strived to be perfect, and this would be something to add to my list; thin. If you ask anyone else, they'll tell you different. They don't think I'm fat. But I know I am. If they don't like the way I live my life, tough. This is MY LIFE and I'm going to live it however I want to. It won't kill me, right?"

That's right, it's KURAMA'S LIFE!!! And NOTHING can STOP HIM from BECOMING THIN!!!!!!! >: (

"My usual fasting meals consist of tea, water, coffee, oatmeal or oranges. Not all of those in one day, usually I pick one and have it in the evenings, then try to ignore the rumbling in my stomach as the night goes on. Before my binge, I cry sometimes, then it gets to be too much, and I just start to mindlessly shovel down food. Then I feel disgusting and ashamed and I go to the bathroom. I eat handfuls of laxatives, and spend the rest of the night on the toilet."

Bulimic!Kurama must be wonderful company.

"Once, nothing happened immediately. I tried to puke, but all I did was gag. So I ate more laxatives and water pills, then I went to bed in tears and fell into a fit-full sleep. I awoke around two am, with a weird feeling in my stomach; a slight rumbling sound. I sat up, but it was too late. I wasn't in diapers anymore, but I was still messing my bed and the floor. I spent the rest of the night crying and cleaning up the mess I had made on the carpet before my mother could come home. She was always at work during my binges. It was almost four before all evidence of my accident, and I fell asleep on the cold tile of my bathroom."

...someone's getting off on this, I'm sure of it.

"The people in the stores look at me weird because of all the junk food I buy. Cookies, cupcakes, ice-cream, pie. I learned after a while to buy some coffee, fruit, or some other kind of everyday food to avoid said looks. Sometimes I eat in the car on my way home, and then go to my room and start stuffing myself. I finished off a carton of ice-cream and a 12 pack of Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes in less than two minutes, then started on the chocolate cream pie. I looked pregnant when I was done, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to soak in the comforting feeling the food brought me. Sighing, I faced reality and went into my bathroom, shoving three fingers into the back of my throat and puking. It was painful, re-opening all the old blisters, but it was worth it. I was glad to see that food because it was all SO FATTENING."

First she's catering to the poop fetishists, now she's catering to the fat fetishists. What next, woman!?

"One day, I tried to puke again, but nothing came up. I couldn't figure out why. After a few tries, I gave up with the finger, and just downed some random cleaning product. Stupid? Yes. But, effective; I was puking for over an hour."

Not only is this Bulimic!Kurama, it's also Downs!Kurama.

So, the rest of chapter one details how Kurama's mother doesn't know how to deal with his eating disorder and how his classmates always make fun of him. Boo hoo. Chapter 2 is boring fluff. Chapter 3, however, is where the yaoi comes in.

""Y'know fox," I look over at him, watching him kick snow out of his way, "I didn't mean to insult you when I mentioned the weight gain." Damn, there it was again! I didn't say anything though. "You've changed in other ways," he smiled at me, near grinning as he reached over and lightly tugged the end of my hair, "This red mop of yours has grown quite a few inches," he let go and put his hand back in his pocket, "Your taller, if not only by a centimeter or two, but taller never the less!" I smile helplessly. "And," here, Hiei stopped walking, I myself doing the same and he wasn't smiling anymore. "And I think, as impossible as it sounds, I love you more than I ever have..." He kissed me softly, his hand finding my own and lacing our fingers together, "I've missed you...stupid fox." I laughed, albeit tearfully, and rested my forehead on his, "I've missed you too, itoshii..." A/N: I think it means beloved"

Oh, and the fangirl Japanese.

"We went back to my house, grateful that my family had gone shopping, and changed out of wet clothes and into warm, dry ones. We sat on the loveseat, my head on his chest as I listened to his heartbeat, and drank green tea together, watching the muted television but neither of us really paying attention to what was being said. His fingers, as always, found my hair; he hesitated before running his fingers through it. "Fox, your hair is thinner..." I smiled up at him, running my finger lightly across his lips, "Hiei, I never knew you pay so much attention to such small details. But, yes it is. I got it trimmed two days ago." He smirked, changing his position so he sat forward on my lap, and found my lips with his own. Hiei's hands were loosely around my neck and mine on his hips as we kissed for the first time in what felt like far too long."

I have to admit, some fangirls have the gift to write nicely. However, they tend to use it for evil.
So, at the end of chapter 3, Kurama goes to step on the scale, dreading what he would see. And what's the result in chapter 4? None! Because the entire chapter is an author's note!

"GAH!

I am SOOO Sorry about my lack of updating on this story. But I do have a reason...or two...!

#1-Okay. I currently REALLY like perhaps even love... someone. And, I recently found out that she's started dating someone. I want her to be happy, with all my heart, but at the same time, I kind of get depressed.

#2-Migranes. Ugh. --; they've been terrible. Disabilitatingly terrible! Nausea and stabbing pain in my temples that pretty much had me bedridden...

#3-Depression. Could go along with reason 1. I simply didn't have the drive to do anything but lie there and be all stupid like. I'm currently at a numb state...

#4-Grades! They've suffered... And, this could also go along with the previous reasons. I've been trying to get some extra credit in, so I don't have to repeat my sophmore year.

Tomorrow I'll be going to the doctor to see if I can get this 3-day straight headache taken care of. I'll try and get another chapter up! Thank you to all my readers."

And now, for a Fangirl Manners tip!
If you're going to explain why you won't be updating so often, put it in a personal blog or website! Don't use your actual story to post your life's goings-on. It's rude to your readers when they see a new chapter up, only to find out it's not a continuation of the story at all.

Anyway, we resume our story in chapter 5, where Kurama finds out he weighs in at:

"112 pounds...

How could that be? I'm five foot seven; how could I possibly weigh so muchA/N: His height info came from the ideal weight would be around 115-120; I got this from a medical book so it might not be 100 accurate, but rather a good estimate Slowly, I eased myself back against the wall and slid to sit down; I rest my head on my knees and tried not to cry. I hadn't eaten...I've been exercising so how could I possibly be so damned heavy? Several insults raced through my mind; failure, moron, fat ass, and good for nothing... And they were right."

Tip 2) Footnotes are your friends! It's very distracting when you put author's notes in the middle of a story.

Oh, hey! You guys know what's a staple in stories like this? That's right! Cutting!

"...I don't recall taking the blade into my hands...

It was one of those old fashioned razors; a simple blade that was attached to a wooden handle. It pops forward easily, revealing the shining metal that seemed to call to me in a demented fashion. Biting my lip, I tried it, just once. 'Just one cut, I'll see if it helps.'

I pressed it onto the outside of my forearm, a sharp sting followed by a steady stream of blood and a burning that seemed to come from the very core of the veins. My breath hitched; it hurt, it felt good...

It helped."

Craaaaaawling in maaaaaaah skiiiiiin...theeeeeese wouuuuuuunds, they will not heeeeeeeeaaaaaaal!!

*ahem*

Anyway, we'll leave off there for now. Tune in next time for part two of Dying to be Thin!

-ME

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Welcome to Bad FanFiction Theater!

Hello, and welcome to my new blog detailing the latest horrible fanfiction! I'm your hostess, Franziska von Karma. I'll try to update the theater every week or so. Anyway, stay tuned for our first gem, Dying to be Thin!

-Franzie